I'm In Repair

This is what I found when I got up this morning:
Sarah asleep on the couch......... but where is her face? I love the dimples on her knuckles. I will mourn them when they are gone and she is grown.


I caught Max, too, but he was in bed. Last night, Sarah asked me if she could record Max when he sleeps so that she will feel at home when she's a Girl Scout sleep-away camp next month. They have shared a room for years. He's the bottom-bunker.

I've got to give him a haircut today. I try to let it grow out like other boys his age, but he's got so much and he spends a big part of his day laying down, so it ends up a bit lumpy. Time for his summer buzz. It's a pretty big production - I hold him, sitting upright in my lap, and we both get covered in hair. I can't do it in his wheelchair because the stickery hairs poke into the chair cover and it's impossible to get them all out. When I hold him in my lap, I'm better able to control his head.

When I was a new hairdresser, back in.......'87, I think........... I worked for a time at a place called Kid's Kuts in Spokane, Washington. A boy would come in and he had a differently shaped head. Every time I cut Max's hair, I think of this boy. The first time he came in, I was very nervous. I hadn't cut anyone's hair in their wheelchair before and he didn't have a lot of head control. I hope that I didn't show my fear while I worked on him. I hope that he and his mother felt comfortable and that the haircut was just another Saturday afternoon errand. The part I remember the most is the side, along the hairline, following above his ear, around the cheekbone. He was so patient and sweet and he sat as still as he possible, but his head would bob a bit. Max's head bobs, too. I don't know what is wrong with me, but remembering this boy is making me cry.

I wish I could fix my head. I spend a part of each day in tears lately and it's annoying to both me and my children. I try to ignore it, to push on through, but so far I'm not fooling anyone. Today I will continue to fix myself by filling out important paperwork and organizing the area under my desk. Cooking or baking something with lots of steps.........that would probably help, as well.

Maybe I'm like that John Mayer song, "I'm In Repair".....................

Too many shadows in my room

Too many hours in this midnight

Too many corners in my mind

So much to do to set my heart right

Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong,

I could be ready

Oh but if i take my heart's advice

I should assume it's still unsteady

I am in repair, I am in repair