Thursday, October 28, 2010

Max's Birthday

Today, at work, a wheelchair claim came up in my work queue. I started working my way through it, slowly, because the work is still a little complicated and overwhelming to me. I thought, oh a wheelchair claim - I know wheelchairs.

I read that the wheelchair came with some special features - it was light-weight and had some special padding. I pulled up the original order and the additional information that the Dr sent in detailing why it was necessary. Something about the phrase "non-ambulatory" wiped me out. Just bam and I was crying. It's a word I read a lot in Max's med reports. Max was non-ambulatory. Max didn't walk.

I tried to explain to my trainer why I couldn't process the claim. I had the hardest time getting any words out. It's a wheelchair. My son's wheelchair still sits in my bedroom. I miss him so much. Tomorrow is his birthday. He never made it to 20. It really, really sucks that he is gone.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Moving Day Is Closing In

I'm moving soon. I have to be completely out of my apartment and ready for my walk out inspection by the 11th of November. I haven't packed any boxes or gone through any closets or pared down anything that I need to pare down. I have, however, made a decision to not take my round dining table, to instead switch it out with the rectangular table that I call "my desk". One item to cross off my list.

My friend, Leah, can't believe I have nothing packed. She was just here, left about 20 minutes ago and she said, "You've got so much stuff." Yes, Leah, I do. If I weren't so tired I'd be seriously freaking out. In the past, I've moved in a hurry. One time I moved from Yreka to Chico in half a day. We moved so fast, were so efficient, that my boyfriend's mother (the very same boyfriend's mother that I have now) packed up my garbage and loaded it onto the truck. Funny.

I won't have all that help this time. It will be pretty much Sarah and myself. I need to sell my treadmill. I need to pack up all the toys that Sarah hasn't played with for about 2 years. I need to get rid of my vast collection of...magazines. Why do I have such a hard time getting rid of magazines?

I should stay home this weekend and get it done, but I'm going up North instead. I need to get out of here for a bit and plan how I'm going to get everything done. Oh, who am I kidding - I need to escape. This apartment makes me sad. It's wrong to be here without Max. I want to start over somewhere new, live a completely different life.  I need to where I can be hugged by someone bigger and stronger than I am.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Talk, Talk, Talk

I really like my new boyfriend. A lot. And I've written about him a bit, but he's very private and later I've taken down posts that I've written about him, because I worry that he will see them and feel embarrassed. So, I'm going to try to tone down the my boyfriend, my boyfriend stuff, even though I'll be thinking it. :)

Here are a few photos that I took while camping and bear hunting last weekend...

We are sticking close to home this weekend, for Bay's baby shower. I'm very excited to see my sister, sister-in-law, and nieces again. My good friend, Leah, is giving Bay the shower.  We sure are lucky to have Leah.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I Love Camping

The girls and I went bear hunting this weekend.

Well, I think it was bear hunting. There was a lot of talk of bear poop (full of berries), bear tracks (an area that looks like some body or some thing slid down the hill on it's bottom), and driving around packed into my boyfriend's truck (he's cute and charming, I enjoy being smooshed up next to him). The hounds took off a couple of times... have you ever heard them before? Sounds pretty. I didn't see any bears, but Bay might have. I enjoyed every minute of it.

We camped by a pretty creek, went to sleep listening to the sound of it every night. Saturday night we spread out on the road, flat on our backs, looking up at the stars. There were so many, more than I've ever seen before.

We ate clam dip and chips for breakfast one morning and hot dogs and marshmallows cooked over the fire for dinner.

We listened to my boyfriend tell stories and make up songs and point out places along the river where people planted pretty little pot gardens next to their vegetables and old rusted appliances.

It was so much fun. I can't wait to go again. I love camping.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Thrills and Chills

I was talking to a friend tonight about life and how you think you are in charge, you think you are the one with the wheel in your hand, but it sort of goes it's own way. Really the only thing you can do is to wear a helmet, buckle up tight, and enjoy the ride. It's both thrilling and terrifying.

I've got another adventure planned this weekend. I'm going camping. WooHoo!

My Grandbaby. :) Part of the thrill, for sure.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I Love the Shutter Sisters

I'm a little behind in so many ways. One of the things I've been missing is regular Shutter Sister's posts. I remember when I first found the Shutter Sisters blog. They post a short inspirational couple of paragraphs, then invite readers to share their own work in response to the post. Each post teaches a little about photograph or some personal insight or how it feels to be a woman looking at the world through your lens. I love the blog.

Here's a recent quote....

What happens when you choose once and for all to put what matters to you in the viewfinder, regardless of who approves or understands?

What happens when you claim your craft, your art, your expertise and stop asking anyone more established or proficient or experienced to say it's good enough?

What happens when you throw away the rule book and all the measuring sticks and just say what you were afraid to say all along?

Sometimes, I find it hard to feel that my shots are good enough. I always wish there was just a bit more sharpness and I don't know if it's because of my middle age eyesight or my starter-girl camera - is it my lack of skill or my equipment?? More importantly, why do I worry about it? Whom am I comparing myself to and what is the point? I shot what I see - my photos say what I want them to say. And sometimes I catch something and I think, holy crap, I did it! Few endeavors have given me as much joy as photography has and I'm learning all the time. Maybe someday I'll be able to capture that sharpness that I'm looking for - I know that I will never stop trying.

Another Shutter Sisters post was from a man who described a trip where a whole group of photographers were focused on a single view - a lake at sunrise. He shot the lake, but there was a ripple that ruined the glassy-mirror look and he decided to turn his camera to other things - colorful leaves and frost. He said that the other photographers looked at him as if they didn't understand what he was doing.

I connected to this post because I like to try to see some new detail with my camera. I shot things that other people say "eww" about - spiders, insects, webs - and I like to get down low, all the way, laying on my belly, trying to catch the edge of grass, leaves, whatever as I shoot. I will be the first to admit that I don't technically know what I'm doing, but getting low, shooting the details, it's teaching me how to focus and how to use the light, how to compose a shot in a way that isn't traditional or expected. It's a lot of fun and that's why I pick up the camera in the first place.

Friday, October 1, 2010

It's Better When I Play Yahtzee

Hello. It's late - Friday is almost over.  Last week at this time I was busy packing and getting things ready for my trip. That's so much more exciting than sitting here thinking about how I can rest and clean my house this weekend. That doesn't involve either cute dogs, a charming man, or hot air ballons.  :/  I need to turn this around....I can also sleep in........ and get my camera out....... and cook, because I haven't been cooking much since I'm too darned tired. I will look on the bright side, because it's a weekend and I'm going to be free(ish) for two days. Very nice.

I spoke/imed with my cousin tonight. Prior to tonight, I think it's been about.........30 years since I spoke with her. No wait, more like 29. Still a lot. She has a daughter close to my age - both are my FB friends, but we don't interact a whole lot. She posts anti-tea party comments on FB which I enjoy a bit, since I'm assuming this means she is a fellow Liberal. I think that they are maybe 3 of us on Facebook.......okay, just kidding - I heard once that there are 12......... Anyway, she said that she likes my outlook and while I liked hearing/reading that, I couldn't help but feel guilty, as I always do when getting a compliment on an area of my life/self/whatever that I feel is a front.

I appear positive, because I want to be that way, so I fake it till I make it and sometimes, I guess, I fake it pretty well. My new-old boyfriend, he is a positive person - smiley and laughing and happy. He's facing something big, but he faces it with a good outlook. I really, really like that about him. (It's on the list, right below freckles).

I keep thinking things that have no place in my new life. Like this one, "I want my old life back."  It's not coming back. I can find a new version of a life that is sort of like that one, or a completely new one, but that one, it's over. It's taking me so long to stop thinking that. It annoys me that I hold onto that, but at the same time I think, well it hasn't even been 2 months yet, so maybe I'm doing better than I think.

And I have some new exciting things going on that I am happy about. They are a part of NOW. NOW is pretty good, although Bay isn't so crazy about it. She told me today that I am not the same person any more. I don't want to let her down, but I am so tired when I get home from work. I'm not as much fun as I used to be and I think she misses having me here during the day. I'll get used to the job and I'll be fun again. In fact, I'll be fun this weekend. I wonder if she'd like to play some games tomorrow night.......... I feel a string of Yahtzees coming on. :)

I'm wondering if I should avoid writing these when I'm tired. I have no idea if this made any sense..........