January, Not What I Had Hoped For

I made a decision to start writing again. I told my writing friend, Cherie, that on Friday I would purchase a notebook and a pen. No more I-can't-get-to-the-computer excuses. Well, I didn't get the notebook - I did get the pen. I sat down and the only things I could think to write about were the death of my son and a horrible fight I had with my husband. Neither are subjects I think anyone wants to read about, but that's all I had. So, I wrote it out, then crumpled the paper and threw it in the woodstove. Does that count, does it count as a fulfilling my promise to myself when no one else ever sees the words? 

I'm not sure I've got any story ideas left in my head. I worry that the space I previously used for a creative side is now filled with endless money-making schemes. In my quest to get my head above water again (water=debt these days) I have fully squelched any creative urge I used to possess.

Oh poor me. Boo-hoo. What a baby.

My husband is home. I just I'm done for now. Not sure this counts either.

I Made Soup and I Still Like Barbie

I used to be able to get writing jobs fairly easily. I was hooked up with a big network of moms and I'd just pitch things to them. Later I was hooked up to a big blog network and I just sort of spread myself around pretty well, making a little more, a little more, a little more ... and then it was gone. I've applied for 3 jobs in the last few months and no one wants me anymore. They all say they are looking for a different tone, etc. I can write in a different voice or style, but when I really think about it, I know I want to be me when I write, not some face-less writer who really isn't telling you anything. So many places don't tell you anything anymore. Have you noticed that?  Just a bunch of words strung together in a pretty fashion with no new idea or no real content. Very odd, that is. I want to learn something new either about myself or the subject or the writer. I want to connect. Is that wrong? I thought that was the whole purpose behind blogging in the first place.

In other news, I made some Chicken Soup for my sick husband  last night and it very well might be the best Chicken Soup of my life. It's all downhill from here folks, I've hit the Chicken Soup Peak. ;)  I am going to write it out and get it up at an old food blog that I started forever ago and am pretty sure I'd like to give another go. I love to cook.

I'm going to use my camera every day. Every ding dong day. I used to be that way. I got this yesterday. Tree Moss. It's pretty stuff. Robin and I used to use it in our Barbie houses when we were kids. We were Barbie-girls. I've never understood Barbie-hate. I guess it's because I realized that she was pretend and I did not want to look like her. I missed the whole Barbie ruined my self-esteem boat.  I simply thought she was fun.

Here's the moss....

This came from the bottom of the Christmas tree my husband cut down for me. Sarah and I were watching a movie, he opens the door and shoves this 12 foot tree in the door. It's now about  4 or 5 feet shorter, still not decorated, but it sure is pretty. I missed trees like this when I lived in Chico. I'll post pictures of it tomorrow.

A Year To Get It Right

I have spent the past year trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. I know it sounds melodramatic (whooo am I???), but my life is very definitely divided into three parts - Before Max, During Max, and After Max. He needed me and that made me feel like there was a reason that I existed. I was here for Max. Not that the girls haven't needed me, but they have always had a certain amount of do-it-herself-ness. Max needed me to do for him, because he couldn't do for himself.


I love being home, living in Northern CA again,  I love being married to John, I enjoy certain aspects of my work life (love working outside, found that I enjoy and have a little talent *my boss's words* when it comes to merchandising), but I'm broke all the time. I haven't seen my brother or my sister and their families in over a year. My grandson doesn't know me, Bay is lost and I can't help her. I never see my two best friends or my mom. I feel cut off. (There goes the melodrama again).

I need to figure out a way to work ONE job and make ends meet. Making ends meet with just a little extra would be a dream come true. (Actually that is most likely the American Dream these days...) I need to get organized (my husband's biggest complaint, hey, organize yourself, kid!) and I need to reconnect with my family and friends. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and figure out what I'm going to be. I need to make a list of my strengths and weaknesses, do some research about who actually makes money in my area, and get this thing done.

I give myself a year to get it right.

New Blog

Hello. After writing this morning, I decided to add a new blog that I am calling Finding Daily Balance... If  you would like to check it out and work on finding balance with me, you can do so here...

Finding Daily Balance

I will still be writing here.

Thanks!

Out of Balance

I believe that my purpose in life is to find balance. Balance in work. Balance in family. Balance in leisure.  It sounds simple, but it's not. I'm always thinking, always brainstorming ways to find more balance. Sometimes I find it for a temporary amount of time and it's pure bliss. The trick is to find out how to stretch that bliss, lengthen it, draw it out... but maybe that is selfish of me?  Can I be hoping for too much bliss?  Am I too bliss-centric?  See how my brain works?  It's a crazy place at times - I think too much. 

         An example of leisure.... Rode in a biking event with my friend, Angela... Check out that chin of mine...

Here are the areas that I need to work on:

*More money - not for extravagant things, but for necessities
*More time for family
*More order within my home

And I'd like to enjoy what I'm doing when I make the money. I enjoy my work at the store, but it frequently takes me completely out of my family. I work late a lot. John works early. When I get home, he's already asleep. Sometimes he wakes up and he tells me how poorly things played out between he and Sarah that evening. She is 13 and really into testing her new stepdad. I feel guilty that the bulk of the parenting is falling to him lately.

John and I have different parenting styles. He focuses on chores. I focus on growth. He wants things done. I want them done smoothly. He thinks his way is right. I think my way is right. I don't know how he would have handled the years when my oldest daughter was so out-of-control.  There was no talking sense with her. It was maddening and I can remember thinking that I would be alone forever because no man could take that on. Okay, so John came along after that time.... now we've got a new teenager to figure out.... it's always something and it's all about.... growth. :) See, I am right! 

I am thinking about a career change. I look at the schedule every week and I see that very few people are getting enough hours to live on and for some reason, new people are continually hired. Hey, I'd take a few courtesy clerk spots - I have no problem with that work. I find retail hard to figure out. Many aspects appear counter-productive to me, but that's just the way they do them.  The work force is determined by the money made previously. So, if there is a period of slower sales, then fewer people are scheduled, but if there are not enough people scheduled, things go a bit chaotic and we can potentially lose customers.

An example would be the milk. A dairy clerk is scheduled, but he is constantly called up front, away from the milk, because there are more than 2 people in a line and the people up front start bugging out. When the milk clerk is gone, people continue to pull dairy goods off the shelf, which means the shelves empty. Where is all the yogurt?  I can't find my favorite creamer! Ack!!  Let the dairy clerk do their thing. Have an extra clerk up front - maybe they could be a combo courtesy clerk/checker - I've done that before and it worked well. I was available to get people out for their breaks, etc.

Okay, enough retail talk. I've been thinking a lot about sewing. I've got a machine. Just wish I could remember how to thread the bobbin.... more on this later.  I spent last night looking at places like this. If you know of a good sewing blog, please recommend it in the comments.

Hey, do you know anyone who could use a puppy?  Not this one, because we are keeping her, but one equally as cute...

Father & Mother

Yesterday was Bay's birthday. She is now 19. It is the first time we have not spent her birthday together. I guess that's how it goes when your kids grow up and become mommies and you move away and get married to your best pal.

Bay wrote something on her Facebook wall about her stepdad remembering her birthday and her father forgetting. That man continues to be a disappointment to our children. I usually say he has good intentions and poor follow-through, but to be honest, as time goes by even I realize that may no longer be the case. What is wrong with him? Does he forget? How do you forget something like that?

I remember growing up with a single mom. My dad didn't forget my birthday, but I didn't get to spend very many of them with him. Mom used to say things like, "I try to be both a mother and a father to you." We all laughed when we heard George Carlin use the same line in his act, but a single parent really does have to play both roles. I'm not sure I was ever good at the dad-part, but once I got a Father's Day card from Sarah that said, "You are the top pop," and I'm saving that thing forever.

To Jump or Not To Jump

I had 3 days off from the store. I spent I spent one day working at the ranch, one day hanging around the house, and one day cutting firewood with John the Woodcutter (that's what he calls himself when he is talking to his wood clients).  After woodcutting, we met some friends for swimming over at Kelsey Creek, then we drove back to town, put on dry clothes and met those same friends for pizza and Konnection or Connection - not sure which, but it's like Wii and apparently I'm a pretty good faux bowler. Who knew?

We cut and delivered our wood in Happy Camp, which I may have mentioned before is one of my favorite places. Most of the shots I have of it are from the Winter; the trees look the same, only the temperature has changed... a lot. It was hot. Very. I used some of that spray sunscreen on us, the type that is waterproof, UVA/UVB proof, and sprayable from any angle. It worked, no sunburn, but it's weird on your hair. It could easily double as a super-sticky hairspray, if a Bad Hair Day is your aim.

When we met our friends for swimming, we were talked into jumping off a bridge into the creek. Okay, back in the day I would do anything for a dare. Anything. As we hiked up the bank to the bridge there was no doubt in my mind that I would jump. In fact, when John climbed over the rail and balked I said, "Honey, do you want me to go first?"  And I meant it. Then, he went over and I thought, hhmm that was a long fall. When I stepped over the railing, I didn't like the way I had to lean back toward the bridge - there was no ledge, something they probably did to discourage jumping. I stayed up for a few more minutes, talked to a few more jumpers (all male), then I walked back down to the beach. I'm no longer a kid, in fact I'm a grandma. I started a new job last week and I need to be in good shape. I no longer have to do something just because some yahoo (or my husband ;) ) tries to talk me into it. I felt pretty good.

Later, that night, John said something along the lines of he was disappointed that I did not jump, "Everyone should try it once in their lives."  I see. Okay, leaving behind a good job, my family, everything I'd built for 18 years, to move "back home" to be with him, then marry him a couple of months later obviously does not count as a "jump" or a risk for him. I'm not sure if I'm offended that he doesn't recognize the risk I took or pleased that he sees that all as a no-risk, sure it's going to work, proposition....