Saturday, February 20, 2010

Good Ponytail Day

I have a pretty good view from the floor at Sarah's games. I like the way the floor shines and it's easier to pick that up when I'm sitting low. Plus, I'm a floor sitter from way back. Sarah played hard today. Her coach kept her in much longer than he normally does. The last two minutes of the game, she was off court. I could see that her red face had these patches of white - blotches. She was exhausted.

She's in the middle running here, ponytail bouncing.

There's that shiny floor. It reminds me of high school. I was so excited about high school as a freshman. That changed and later I was more interested in boyfriends than school activities. I wish I had played sports. I don't remember feeling like I could. I did tall flags and drill team when I was in the 10th grade, living down with my dad for a couple of years. I enjoyed that, but it was different from the effort that the girls put into basketball.
Why is it that the 43 year old me absolutely believes that the kid me could have done it, could have played ball just fine? There's something about my 40s that makes me feel like I can try anything. That after trying it, even if I don't master it, I will at least be able to finish it. Whatever it is.

More running. Sarah was having an awesome ponytail day, by the way. Happy weekend to you.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Day 48 of 2010

Today, I was a bit of a crazy person, but I did have time to take these photos for my 365 Project.

Change, Creativity, Innovation, Lead the Way

I originally had a post here with some quotes. I felt good about it last night, but today I deleted it. I am feeling very uncomfortable being me, living in my skin, and trying to figure things out. I've had a crisis of faith in myself. I think I might just update with my 365 photos for awhile.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Home Again

I am back home after spending the weekend with my sister's family in Southern California. I had a fun, but super-short trip. While I was there, I ran a 5K with my sister, well I walked part of it, I had the hardest time running and I shot some photos of the kids. Chance, above, is the boy walking along the creek in my header photo. He's about 3 and a half years older now.
I sat out back with Trinity and Casey for awhile. Casey used the camera to shoot the plants and later the dogs. It was fun to explain my limited knowledge of the camera to him. Casey had a basketball game and a baseball practice while I was there. That kid's body has changed so much since the Summer. He's grown solid and muscular.

I love his freckles.

Trin was climbing around the outdoor bar when I took this one. She had a bunch of those candy Valentines, the type with the packets of sugary candy and you stick a candle stick into them. Her eyes are the same color as Mom, Robin, Sarah, and me. We have Grandpa Harold's eyes. I miss my Grandpa.

I've got so much to do - work to catch up on, brunch to cook, unpacking...... I just want to be lazy and read my book, watch my Supernatural rerun. I need to get to the grocery store and stock up on vegetables, because we ate so much junk food while spending 12+ hours in the car. Chips, cornuts, Diet Coke, Diet Coke, Diet Coke.....ugh. I think I'm going to rest for just a little bit longer.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Feels like Monday, but It's Tuesday

Good morning from me and Max, who is above. I caught him when his bus arrived today. He didn't love it, but he was very patient.

I'm up way too late. I was looking at a Facebook friend's music - she shared some Dave Matthews Band - and Bay and I started looking things up. Next thing you know I'm shopping at iTunes. I got a mixture - a little DMB, 3 Jill Scott, 2 Lady Antebellum, a Taylor Swift, a Gary Allan, 2 Miranda Lamberts, and a Shania Twain.

The Shania Twain is that song that goes something like, "Am I dreamin', or stupid, I think I been hit by cupid, no one needs to know right now." I love that song and it was on Twister last weekend. You only hear it for a few seconds, but it's a great song. "I want bells to ring, a choir needs to sing, .... I tell ya someday, someway, or somehow, but I'm gonna keep it a secret now..."

I left this bit on my FB friend's post from the song, The Space Between, by the Dave Matthews Band;

Look at us spinning off in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

I've done that - I've gone off like the devil in a church. I showed a bit of devil this morning when my daughter did not announce that her friend was in the house and I was caught walking down the hallway in my panties and tank top. I wasn't happy. Then, I put pjs on and slide across the kitchen in a puddle of water. I was ka-rank-EE.

When I took creative writing, way back when, I used to listen to DMB as I wrote. I enjoy the way Dave writes his lyrics and I wrote a lot of poetry back then. I wanted to create something similar to the lyrics, but never really got there. I do better with poetry when I take advantage of a certain type of pacing for humor. I think it's a cop-out when I do that, but it's what I do. It's easier to make someone laugh sometimes, then to share something real and raw.

One time, I wrote a poem that was straight from the heart, absolutely how I felt and the way I felt was hurt and pissed. It was one of the first of my poems that I sold (haven't tried to get any published in years) and I was very excited, so I wrote to the ex that inspired it. I was not very computer savvy back then and I accidentally copied or forwarded it to his work email. I was mortified, because it was email that his boss saw for some reason. What a maroon.

There are days when I screw up and I drive myself crazy with the idiocy of my actions, but sometimes I throw my hands up, I shrug, and I move on. There's no fixing some situations. In the words of DMB, I "took (that) ship down..." Wasn't no way to save that one.

Hope this one makes sense. I've reread it, but my brain is tired.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Photos Won't Load

For some reason I can't load my photos. I give up.

Around midday today started to suck. I got into another fight with my oldest daughter and I'm worn out. Raising kids on my own all these years, it's been challenging. I don't have any real memories of co-parenting. I have always done it all, even when I was married for those first 2 years. I'm not sure that's been good. I don't always make the right decision the first time. I don't always say the right thing or do the right thing. Sometimes I am not a good mom. I want to be, it's always my intention, but I feel like I'm figuring it out as I go.

I really hope that my children do a better job than I did choosing a partner. I'd like the single parent trend in my family to stop with me. I want the girls to have a full life with a partner. I would really like for them both to be happy.