Not At My Best

It's late-ish on Saturday. I'm feeling funky.

I feel good about a lot of what I'm doing right now. I am glad that I'm writing again - I missed it when I was away. I feel excited about what I'm learning with the photography. Max is doing okay. Bay is doing okay. Sarah is Sarah. I'm going to be able to give my family a Christmas. Gas is now officially "cheap". My mom is still talking about the meal that I made for Thanksgiving. These are all good things.

I just wrote this whole paragraph about why I think I'm going to be single forever, but it was pitiful and I don't want to be pitiful, so I deleted it. I want to feel proud of myself, but it's very hard right now. I feel absolutely unlovable and icky. I hate feeling this way. It might be hormones or maybe it's just the truth. Bleech. It doesn't help that my head hurts so bad that I'm nauseous.

A year ago I had so much hope for the future. I was very excited about moving to Oregon, to live with my high school sweetheart. I had no idea that everything would blow up so badly - it felt very right at the time. I was certain that if I lived unselfishly and keep my focus on what would be good for all of us - Steve, me, my kids, his kids - it would all go well. Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, it just does not work. Or maybe it's that I don't work. It doesn't help when your partner gives up on basically everything.

Oh well. Maybe I don't get this dream, I don't get a partner. I'm okay - I've been doing this on my own since Max was less than 2 and Bay was only a few months old. I can do this alone forever, if necessary.

I'm going to work on being a better mom. It occurred to me this morning that Sarah will soon be in the pushing-me-away stage. I need to enjoy this time while I can. I waste too much time saying, "Honey, I need to get some work done first." I mentioned this to Bay and Bay said, "Don't worry, you've got another year." A year? Oh boy.

I want to get my work organized, so that I can find the time to exercise again. It felt great to run with Sarah. I would like it to become a habit for us again. We haven't hiked in a long time or gone on a bike ride in more than a month. These are habits that are good for our health, as well as our happiness.

Okay, maybe I will be single forever, but that will leave me more time to give Max what he's going to need. As he gets older, his health is going to be challenging. I don't want to feel guilty because I'm torn between him and a man. He trusts me to be there for him always and I will never let him down.

Bay, she's going to be fine no matter what. She didn't make the same connection with Steve that the rest of us did. She has her boyfriend and that's where her head is right now.

Okay, I've just about talked myself through this, but honestly, my heart is a bit fragile and I'm worried about him way more than I am worried about myself. I know that I will be okay. I hope that he will be, as well, but I have my doubts.