Monday, January 5, 2009

I'm no fan of Mondays


I write a very boring blog lately. I'm sorry. I have been a bit blue, no not depressed, Mom, but I have been blue. It's hard for me to know what to talk about when I'm feeling that way. I don't want to bitch and moan and poor-me all over the page. I want to write stimulating and interesting words. I can't think of any, so I write nothing.
It's all silly, the blue-ness. I feel this broken-hearteded and that annoys the hell out of me. Part of it is Steve stuff and part is Bailey stuff. I love the two of them so much, but I can't make them treat me with respect or caring or courtesy. They've got to do that on their own. They don't. Instead they yell (Bay) or ignore me (Steve) and I feel foolish.
I'm always going to Bay's Mom and I love her, so in her case, I keep on keeping on no matter how tricky and prickly things get.
Steve, now that's a different story. Today I changed my My Space to single. I haven't heard from him in two months. Sounds like I'm single, right? Feels that way, too. I liked being not single after so many years on my own. I liked being Steve and me again, after twenty plus years of being Steve-less. I'm so angry with him for f-ing this up. He is a stupid selfish bastard. I wish I could pluck him out of my heart and out of my memory.
I will do my best to think of something to write about. I could write about the Travolta's. I've been thinking about them a lot. I saw a photo today where John Travolta was smiling up into his son's face and it was both beautiful and painful to see. Raising a special boy, it's this........it's hard to explain what it is. It's like all these emotions and fears and thoughts are all wanting to burst out, explode outward and at all times the lid is down, but it's not fastened tightly and at any time it could lift and all that stuff could come flying out and streaming down and make a big mess.
Honestly, I want to go into my room and have a good cry, but Bay is doing her homework on my bed with her boyfriend and it's time to make dinner anyway.
I want to be like that All American Reject song......When you see my face, I hope it gives you hell.......you know build up some righteous indignation, but I'm just out of energy. It took all I had to get through the holidays. Now I'm hanging on and dreaming of Spring.

4 comments:

ramblingwoods.com said...

Sending you a hug...

{i}Post said...

I wish I had the words of wisdom to make it all ok for you, but I don't. All I can offer is my ear and my understanding.

*smooch*

Dianne said...

hanging on, hanging in - is a lot!

remember to give yourself credit

hugs

Heather said...

I love the All American Rejects song you mentioned. It's like a release to sing it outloud, even though at this point I'm not really singing it to anyone in particular.