Saturday, June 14, 2008

Feeling Lost

I haven't been riding much lately. The wind made it tough, then it was the smoke. This morning I decided to go for it. I lose my fitness so quickly - it wasn't a struggle, but it was struggle-ish. My original plan to was to take Sarah swimming when I got back, but my Grandma called. My Grandpa has cancer and a few days ago, he had to move to a nursing home. My grandparents have been married for a long time, well over 60 years, possibly 64. Grandpa has been ill for a long time - he's had prostate cancer for ....... sheesh, I'm bad with numbers.... I think about 8 or 9 years. At times his numbers have read as if he was cancer-free, but he wasn't.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this........ he is dying. Grandma is having to contemplate life without her partner. They live up in Washington (the moved there about 5 years ago) and I'm not able to offer much in the way of support. Grandma's voice sounded so tiny on the phone today. I'm scared for her, for the uncertainty that she's facing. And it gets worse because she's going to lose her home, as well. They put all of their money into building a home on my Aunt's property and now I hear that my Aunt is going to lose her property. She was sick with cancer, as well, and that has lead to all sorts of financial problems. So, basically, my Aunt is going to live, but she doens't know where she is going to do that living. Cancer sucks.

Mom is worried about both Grandpa and Grandma. She isn't able to get up there, can't miss work, can't afford to travel. My cousin has been helping the grandparents out a lot. She has a family of her own to take care of, as well as two businesses. I wish we were all closer together, that the taking care could be shared among us, instead of heaped on a few.
These pictures don't fit what I'm talking about. I took them today for a Shutter Sister's thing. The challenge was to do things in 3s. These are my 3s. For some reason one didn't show up. It is 3 Cosmos. Cosmos are my favorite flower and I've tried to grow them every year that I've lived here with very little success. When I lived in Yreka, I had no problem. I don't know if it was the soil or the weather. They grow really well over at Fort Bragg, about 2.5 hours away, on the coast. The air is cool and damp there - smells like the beach, because well it is the beach.

My grandparents had a gorgeous yard when they lived in Garden Grove (Orange County, Southern California). They had a tropical theme with Hibiscus and all sorts of spiky tropical greenery. They had a waterfall and a pool and a tiki that my uncle carved.

When I was little, we lived there and I played in that yard - on the other side of a fence that my Grandpa put up for safety. I had a swingset and a sandbox that had a little shade over the top. Grandpa used to roast meat on a spit over his grill back there. For some reason, the sound of the motor that turned the spit is one that I remember clearly.

I love Grandpa and Grandma. I've been lucky to have them for so long, but I'm greedy, I want more. I don't want my Grandpa to die.


the teach said...

Askew, I'm so sorry about your grandparents. Nobody wants their grandparents or parents or anyone they love to die. I know it's very hard. I've lost my parents and I loved them very much. I will keep your grandparents and you in my thoughts in the coming weeks. :)

Anonymous said...

I don't want him to die, either.

So much of what's going on here is not my story - I just feel caught in the crossfire, you know?

I am sorry for shutting you out. My head is in a much better place now and I hope I can do something to repair our relationship.

I love you, Michelle. Your photos are terrific.