Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Bring Back the Old Bold Me

You know that saying about how life is like a rollercoaster ride?   It's kind of corny, but so very true. Sometimes I look back and think, wow, if I knew a year ago that I'd be standing in this spot or doing this or thinking that...... It's always a surprise. Up and down, shooting around on the edge of a tight corner, flipping upside down, .......

For much of my adult life I've hoped for the peaceful, boring times. I talked myself into thinking that was The Good Stuff, but really it's more like The Safe Stuff. Sometimes it's good to take a chance, to jump without thinking too much. I analyze things too much, over-thinking is my hobbie of choice. Ack. I'm tired of that. Where does it get me?  Safe and only Good-ish. I get periodic sparks of glimmer. What I'd really like a sky full of glimmer - shooting stars, the works.

I used to be so bold, I jumped without much thought. Becoming a parent changed that, although I've jumped a bit with kids alongside me, as well (moving to Chico from Yreka, is an example). When you've got the responsiblity of other humans on your shoulders, you have to decide what is best for everybody. What is good for the group, doesn't not always translate to what is best for the individual. Compromise. Then, somehow compromise leads to a lot of  "no" answers. Can I do this? No? Can I do that? No. Can you see yourself making this change? Oh, hell no.

When I was involved with my last ex, I was bothered by the amount of time we argued. It made me feel physically ill. My previous relationship had contained little to no fighting (I think we had 4 arguments in a year and a half) and I thought that relationship was healthy. It turns out that it was just a case of me stuffing crap down and closing my eyes to any little glimpse of the truth. The opposite of good health.

After the second one, the fighting-beau, I learned to stand up for myself again. It came about later, after we were broken up, but still friends (he will always be my friend - he is infinitely lovable). He said something that I felt was mean and I said, if you continue to talk to me like that, I cannot be your friend. And you know what? He stopped  talking to me in that way and I'm pretty sure that I remember an apology somewhere in there.

When we were together, my way of interacting with him angered him. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong.  He was frustrated with how I was communicating, felt that I was acting like a "victim" and he felt that it wasn't fair. And there's some truth in that. Playing the victim is just another weapon - my intentions are good, if someone is wrong, it has to be you. I'm not always right and I don't want to play the victim.

I've decided to be more direct in the things that I want and the way I want to live my life. It's going to be a work in progress thing. I will not morph back into the old bold me overnight, but I do have some ideas that I'd like to jump into.  I'm going to let go of my fear of failure, because that's what much of it is. So I fail. Big deal. I move on or I try another way - I figure out how to get where I need to go regardless.

I feel like my 40s have are my Renaissance period. My motto is going to be, "Go big....or go bigger."  Going home is not an option,..... well until it's time to actually go home. :)

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