Thursday, August 12, 2010

Godspeed Little Man

In my 44 years I've lost a few people whom meant a lot to me, but this time around the grieving process feels very different. Every day I wake up and I think, "Max is gone." My mind immediately tries to reject the idea. "No, he's still here."

For the past week and a half, I've been going about the business of life, trying to find a job, trying to show my friends and family that they don't have to worry about me, that I'm okay. Today, I had a job assessment which is leading to a second interview, so that is encouraging. Plus, we found out an hour ago that my grandbaby-to be is a little boy. That was thrilling news. People have been reaching out to my family sending us cards and flowers and meals and it feels so good to know that Max touched so many lives.

I'm trying really hard to be normal, to find joy in the every day, because I want to be strong for my girls, but this grief thing, it can sneak up on me and sometimes, I have to admit, it kicks my ass. It's like a wave that crashes over my head and steals my breath away.

I can be calm and smiling even. Minutes later, there's that grief again. While driving to get milk at Raleys, a Dixie Chicks song came on and I heard;

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Sweet dreams

It's a song that a mom sings to her sleeping boy, but I connected with it and next thing I know I'm a mess again - driving down the road, crying in my minivan. I miss my "little man" so much. He was a wonderful son and I loved taking care of him. Every single day was a gift. People would say things to me about raising him, comment about how it must be hard to take care of a boy with special needs, but he wasn't hard. He was sometimes heavy, but never difficult. Everything about him was positive, everything was good.

Grief might kick my ass, but I think I'm just going to ride these waves as they hit me. I'm not going to push any of it away, I'm going to find a way to keep my head above water, and I'm definitely going to listen to that song again, even if it makes me cry.


Diane Crosby said...

I love this blog. Thank you for sharing it.

Askew To You said...

Thank you, Diane.