Sunday

I have so much on my mind today. My stimulus check should come some time in the next week or so. I've thought long and hard about what I want to spend it on. I worry that my biggest purchase - a good camera - is really not a wise use of my money. I want to be able to use the camera to make money, but now I'm worried that I'm fooling myself with that idea.

Is that an unrealistic dream? I don't need to make a lot of money, just some extra. I'd like to take pictures of kids and weddings and family and friends and nature. I'd like to capture something and give it to someone and have them say, wow, thanks, that's just what I've been wishing for.

I'm going to use some of the money on the girls, but there are so many things that they need. They need Summer clothes and in 2 and a half months, they are going to need school clothes. Sarah wants to go to day camp. I need to be able to drive them up and down the state for family visits and I want to get Bay something special for her 16th birthday, but honestly, there's only so much money that is going to be available.

I'm really stressing how I'm going to pay for everything that needs paying for. How am I going to be able to see Steve? He lives 6 hours away and neither one of us can afford the gas for that trip. I miss him and things have been so weird and wonky between us for the past couple of months. It would be good to be together and really see if those feelings are still there between us. I feel different, but I suspect that much of that is due to self-preservation.

Bay and I have been getting along a little better this weekend. It started with the game, she was so good-Bailey at the game. She is quite funny and charming when she wants to be. And beautiful. Look at her in this picture.

Sometimes I wonder how Todd and I made a girl so pretty. We are so average, which is fine, I have no problem with being average, but she's like a sum of all our a little above average parts. Luckily.

The weather this weekend is lovely - warm and breezy and comfortable. I've spent too much of it inside, on this couch, trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for everything. I wish I could go back to Friday nights ballgame and relive the whole thing over again, not wasting any time with worry. Worry never solved a thing.

Before the end of the day, Sarah and I are going to pack her bag for her Girl Scout camping trip - the June Jamboree. Tomorrow is her last official meeting and they are checking gear for the trip on the 6th. Camp. I wish I was going. I love to camp.

I wish I had time for a nap. Or maybe I should take a worry-break and read.......... before I know it, it's going to be bedtime and the weekend will be over.

Feet On the Pedals and Head In the Clouds

Here's a silly picture of Bay. She's going to kill me when she sees that I've posted it, but I wanted to show how she is sometimes.

This morning, on the way to school, we decided to make up a sort of dance to go with the song we were listening to. It was very dorky, but we laughed all the way there. Bay said, before she left the car, that she felt sure that she'd have a good day. She didn't slam the door, she didn't sass me, she didn't ignore me and text on her phone. She got goofy with me and I felt pretty sure that I'd have a good day as well and I did. Today, I searched all over town for the best deal on bike shorts. As my first event gets closer, I find that I'm really focusing on the details. I was talking to my guy this morning and I asked him to ask his buddy, who used to own a bike shop and rides a lot, if he had some gear advice for me. He, S, said, check the website for the event. Sometimes men simplify things too much. I wanted to know what worked for this guy, I wanted to possibly hear some sort of story about his experience.

I told S that yesterday I started worrying about potty breaks - would there be a place for potty breaks? I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have to pee some time within a 3-hour period - I am a girl, after all. He said, check the website. I said, what about flats? What happens if I have a flat? Check the website, he said, again.

I'm excited about my event, I just wanted to be chatty. I need to find some friends who ride. He was nice and he was patient. He wasn't very interested, but I did appreciate him listening even so.

Sarah and I went for another ride today. I think she's getting bored with our routes. She is going to take part in a triathlon for kids next month. She will need to ride 2 miles - she can do that easily, but she will also have to run and swim. Running - she is not a big fan. As soon as I'm done with my event, I'm going to get her to start running with me.

My weight has gone up so much ever since I stopped running regularly. Biking helps some, but it doesn't change my body the way that running does. I need to find a good balance of both. I do love that my hip isn't hurting and that's thanks to the break.

Sarah took a break and she spied this little family of geese down near the ditch. There's a natural wetland nearby and the little ditch that you see in the picture leads back to it. I noticed that there was a big bottle of beer laying in the grass. A neighbor told me that she and her husband used to park back there when they were in high school. In fact, she said that her oldest was conceived there. Everybody loves nature, I suppose.

We had some rain yesterday and lots of clouds today. I look forward to shooting clouds when I get a good camera - it's one of my goals. I love clouds and the sky where I live feels huge. When I ride, I always take a moment and turn my face to the sky with my eyes closed - never when I'm near cars, though I'm big on safety. I imagine the sky blessing me. It might sound silly, but it's something that works for me, helps me when I'm down - it helped me to kick a bout of depression this past Winter.

I tell people all the time, you should get a bike. I don't know if they believe me, but if they try it, if they climb on that bike and turn their faces to the sky, they'll see.