Wordless Wednesday: Wildflowers

Dating Is Tough But It's Easier Than War

I noticed this spider on the window, so I grabbed my camera and headed outside. By the time I go there, he was trying to escape, but I got him.

Leah came over today for a haircut and a movie. She brought Brothers. Have you seen Brothers? Very good, but exhausting. I kept thinking, this is not going to end well and when it finally did end, Leah said she had the same thought.

So many things happen in the world, horrible things, and I am happily oblivious, safe in my home. I am very grateful that there are people out there doing the hard stuff, facing down the horrible stuff, so that my family is able to be safe. Thank you.

I need to make this quick. I have a date tonight and no idea what to wear. Does anyone look forward to first dates? I was going to ask if they are just something that we have to endure, but that seems ridiculous after the paragraphs that I wrote above. It's just a first date. It is not a night in a war zone.

Spring is For ... Running

Just before I turned 40, I started running. I never thought of myself as a runner before that and when a personal trainer at my health club mentioned trying it, I laughed. No way. I hate running. Then, for some reason that I do not remember, I started running. I would run a minute, walk a minute, run a minute, walk a minute.... I can still remember the first time that I ran an entire mile - I ran downhill in Upper Park, picking my way down through the lava rock. I was thrilled.

I read something in Runner's World about mileage, that if you ran 20 miles a week, you could still eat pretty much normally. I like to eat, so 20 miles became my magic number. I kept this up for more than a year. Then, I started a relationship and I got out of the habit. The relationship was a long distance relationship, but he was in town often enough that I got off track. I gained weight during that time and eventually things fell apart and I gained more weight. I worked so hard to achieve a certain level of fitness (and I did work hard, I've notebooks full of mileage to prove it) and I just threw it away.

I've tried to get it back a few times. I will do well for a week, then something will happen - someone will get sick, I'll get stressed about .....I'll find an excuse. I am not doing that anymore. I will get that fitness back. My health and all the things I want to do in my future depend on it.

This year I've run a 5K with my sister - really a very poor showing on my part, I just could not run long at all. It freaked me out, but a few weeks later, I checked my blood pressure and found out that it as high. Since that time, I've lost a little weight and started building up mileage with walking and now I'm running again. My blood pressure is now on the high end of normal. I am certain that I can get it lower.

I have a new goal, because I do better with a goal, I want to run the City of Gold Triathlon on May 8th. It's a sprint triathlon - 1/2 mile swim, 12 mile ride, and 3 mile run. I ordered a tri suit in an effort to hold myself to the plan. Wish me luck!!

Sleepy Sarah

I took this photo of Sarah the other day. She slept through the whole thing. I showed it to her yesterday and she said, "Oh, Mom." So, of course I have to share it on my blog. I'm horrible that way. I love the way she's so relaxed and her little face is smooshed into the pillow.

That's all I've got for now. :)

March 10

My brother's dad died last weekend. He used to be my stepdad, but I haven't seen him since I was pregnant with Max, who is now 19. The last time that my brother spoke with him was 16 years ago. My brother is now left with all these regrets, even though the estrangement was neither his fault nor his idea.

This makes me a bit angry at my brother's dad, because Brad is a wonderful person - loyal, loving, generous with his time and his talents. I measure all other men against my brother and very few even come close. He is deserving of respect and consideration and in this situation, his relationship with his dad, he didn't receive either.

It's not a simple case of my brother's dad as Bad Guy either, because deep down I suspect that he thought that he was protecting Brad. He fought demons that I've never fully understood and how could I - I live a relatively peaceful life within my mind. He was fighting everything and everybody.

I'm trying to remember the good things about him like the time he brought me my brother's rocking chair, when I was still carrying Max. It was a very generous move on his part. And he used to help me with my Algebra every night. Every night. I'd cry and he'd explain it again and again. He took me on one driving lesson when I was 14. We drove along a narrow dirt road alongside the Klamath River and I did pretty good until I pulled back into our driveway and up onto a tree stump.

I don't want to live with regrets. I have tried to be open with my feelings and my intentions throughout my life, but that gets harder as I get older. I feel like I have to hold things back in order to protect myself. Being guarded, I guess that's one of those bad habits we pick up as we progress from child to adult, kind of like bad posture (babies have great posture - have you ever noticed that?).

Day 2 of the Tourney

This is the last weekend for Sarah's basketball season. They are on day 2 of their end of the season tournament - so far undefeated this season. Basketball has been a bit different this year. I've noticed that Sarah is really changing with adolescence. Sometimes her mind is just someplace else. I forgot how hard that is, the trying to keep your mind on one thing when it really wants to wander out the door, into the sunshine to daydream about boys......or puppies, at this age it could be either.

When she's done, I think we are going to find something else to do on weekends. We haven't hiked in so long. Maybe she and I can hike or go on a bike ride. She might enjoy taking the cameras out together, like Bay and I love to do. I will follow her lead. I don't want to push sports on her, because they are what I enjoy, if she'd rather do something else (something that does not involve just sitting on the computer watching Mr. Saftety videos for hours on end).

I lost one of my jobs this weeks. I knew it was coming - they let everyone go, but it's still been hard to wrap my mind around it. The loss of income sucks. I'm working on a couple of other projects, plus still writing Beauty & Fashion at Gadabout Media.com, but the structure, the daily deadline is gone and I didn't realize how much I depended on it. I have to "boss" myself now. I hope I do a good job, I need to do a good job, but I won't get fired this time.

I've learned that writing is like this - the jobs come and the jobs go. I have a problem with change and the lack of permanence. I like to know what is coming, I like structure and being able to budget my money accurately. I like the stability of working for someone else. I have to let go of that. I have to learn the business of blogging for real now. I have to learn how to write a marketing plan and to hustle sponsors and ads. I can do it, but right now, sitting here thinking about the end of the basketball season, I want to put it all away, up on the shelf, for one more day.

Super Quick, Really Fast Update, Whooosh!

I've been so busy lately. I spent last month writing 20 extra blog posts for Splendicity Bath and Body, then I started a couple of new blogs. One has no actual content yet, but the colors sure look pretty.

The other is Grab A Pan.com and it does have some content, but the blog is not ready for launch yet. I need to set up the sections and the title and the......it needs a lot of work, but if you want to check it out and click on "recipes" or "eating out," you can see a little of what I've been working on.

Sarah and I are going to head out for a quick walk. I'll catch ya later!