I'm Home

WooHoo! I'm in!

I am embarrassed to admit this, but I'm going to go ahead and do it, just in case someone else has encountered the same problem - I forgot the email address I used to sign into this blog so I was locked out. I love this blog. I wrote about my old life in here, lots of adventures at the park with my kids and family, I found my love of photography here, I have posts that really mean something to me here, but I lost my way for a year or two and a half-ish. Now, I'd like to find my way back. I miss writing.

Here's what I've been up to, I'm in school again, although I dropped my one Summer session class today and I'm taking the Summer off of school. I am working as a merchandiser, but I also work for a temp agency which means I get to try lots of new jobs all the time. I live with a whole lot of dogs, my husband, and my youngest daughter, Sarah. 

This is my husband, John, holding two of our puppies and I'll slip Sarah in below....

This is Sarah, in my car, which is a place where we spend a lot of time, because I'm always driving her back and forth to town for some sporting event/practice/open gym. She's grown up a bit since you saw her last, I bet.

John and I have been busy in the garden (mostly him) and we are beekeeping (again, mostly him, although I go peek at those busy bees every once in awhile).  I would like to eventually use the bees as a money-maker for our family. I want to learn how to make skincare products with the honey.  I want to add more mint to my garden, because the mint honey is incredible, although blackberry honey will always be my favorite. Unless you have the bees in a large area of mint/blackberry/star thistle/etc, they honey is categorized Wildflower Honey, I believe. See one of the bees on my mother-in-law's leek flower below.

We spent part of the Spring learning how to train scent detection dogs. It was so much fun! Dogs love to sniff, as you may know, and they love treats, which is how you get them to sniff what you want them to sniff.

I haven't been running much, but I'm slowly starting back. Sarah and I took a puppy out for a long walk last night and I sprinted (if you can picture a turtle sprinting) a few times. I did have a 2 mile run the other night. I find it so hard to get a block of time free. That's honestly my biggest problem. I miss the days when I could jump on my treadmill. I'm also working  yoga back into my routine. I have an old friend that I follow on Facebook and he's turned yoga into his lifestyle. I love reading his posts and seeing his smiling photos. Yoga is good for the soul... and the aches and pains that come with middle-age.

Here's a close-up of those puppies.... dang they are cute!!

Right now, I'm waiting for John to get home so that I can go help him with a load of wood. In the meantime, I made up a batch of BBQ sauce from my canned tomatoes that I've got bubbling in the crockpot with some bear meatballs. Should be pretty good when we get home from woodcutting, if we ever get going.....

I think I'm going to start a new food blog. I will link back here, as soon as I get it up and running. Some other plans for Summer, I'm going to get my photography business (that I started way back when in Chico) going and I'm going to write a book. I have given myself until the end of December to have the book ready.  I haven't written anything more than a paper for school (or this blog post), in a long time. I hope I can remember how to do it.

8/10/2010

School starts for Sarah tomorrow. She will be in the 7th grade. Bay starts at her new job. I really hope the day goes well for both girls. They deserve a good day.

I keep thinking about Max's class and how I'm sure it will be tough for all the ladies who work in there. He went to the same school for 17 years. His teacher, Jill, brought us dinner last night and the school psychiatrist brought dinner tonight. I keep looking at the place where he naps and he's not there. I hear a noise that sounds like a Max-noise and I look up, but it's not him. I miss my son so much. I keep holding on to that feeling and I don't want to let go. There's some crazy part of my brain that still hopes I'll wake up and the whole thing will have just been a nightmare.

Sarah Graduated!!!

Sarah graduated from the 6th grade today. WooHoo!!

She also won a special academic award. It came with a little pin. She has worn the pin all day. :)

Okay, going to cut this short. I just had a breathing treatment and I think I'm going to lay down. Have a great day/evening.

Happy Birthday Sarah!

Happy birthday to my wonderful daughter, Sarah!!

She is 12 and only a couple of months away from jr high. Dang, where did the time go?  It seems like it was only a year or so ago that I was giving birth to a 9 lb 14 oz baby girl, who was so big that she broke her little collar bone on the way out. (Don't worry, she was fine.)

She's Focused On the Boy

I had to pick Sarah up early from camp this week. She had a fever - at one time it was almost 103 - and they have a policy, plus that's pretty darn high. She's feeling a little better, but still popping up with a low-grade fever off and on. She is usually asleep.

Even sick, she had a wonderful time at camp. She has already told me about a few of subjects they covered at Environmental School including Salmon spawning and mining for gold. She went down into a mine (with a guide) and  the kids panned for gold. She loved the experience.

It was a beautiful drive up there and back. Whiskeytown Lake is jsut minutes from the town of Redding. I took my camera up there with me. I started thinking, hhmm if I moved to this end of Redding, I could be at the lake all the time.......  I'm a dreamer and I think about moving all the time.

I have had a challenging week in terms of running. Wednesday I had horrible heartburn and after a practically sleepless nigh,t I skipped running today. I seriously doubt that I will get my entire 20 miles in this week. I have 14.1 so far. I'm thinking about walking the last 6 instead of running it. Or maybe running only a couple and walking the rest. I feel exhausted and stressed out. (I hope this makes sense. Like I said, operating on very little sleep here).

Raising a teenager is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I spend a good deal of time feeling heart-sick. Did my mom feel this way? Did my grandma feel this way?  I don't see any sort of success or parenting awards in my future. I'd really just like to survive this time, I'd like us both to survive it. I think a lot of what I see comes from my daughter being fearful about the future. She said today that she did not want to grow up anymore.

I try to remember what I was like at her age. I didn't fight as much with my mom, (Mom agrees with this), but I'm not sure I had any sort of plan other than to marry my boyfriend in a year or so and then move to the Bay Area. It was all very vague - I was focused on the boy only.

I was talking to Bay today about not focusing totally on your relationship. I said it's a lesson that you learn with age, that I didn't get it when I was first married. She agreed, but knowing something and changing a pattern of behavior are two completely different things.

The future, it's all very vague to her right now. She's focused on the boy only.  She will figure it out.

Sleepy Sarah

I took this photo of Sarah the other day. She slept through the whole thing. I showed it to her yesterday and she said, "Oh, Mom." So, of course I have to share it on my blog. I'm horrible that way. I love the way she's so relaxed and her little face is smooshed into the pillow.

That's all I've got for now. :)

Day 2 of the Tourney

This is the last weekend for Sarah's basketball season. They are on day 2 of their end of the season tournament - so far undefeated this season. Basketball has been a bit different this year. I've noticed that Sarah is really changing with adolescence. Sometimes her mind is just someplace else. I forgot how hard that is, the trying to keep your mind on one thing when it really wants to wander out the door, into the sunshine to daydream about boys......or puppies, at this age it could be either.

When she's done, I think we are going to find something else to do on weekends. We haven't hiked in so long. Maybe she and I can hike or go on a bike ride. She might enjoy taking the cameras out together, like Bay and I love to do. I will follow her lead. I don't want to push sports on her, because they are what I enjoy, if she'd rather do something else (something that does not involve just sitting on the computer watching Mr. Saftety videos for hours on end).

I lost one of my jobs this weeks. I knew it was coming - they let everyone go, but it's still been hard to wrap my mind around it. The loss of income sucks. I'm working on a couple of other projects, plus still writing Beauty & Fashion at Gadabout Media.com, but the structure, the daily deadline is gone and I didn't realize how much I depended on it. I have to "boss" myself now. I hope I do a good job, I need to do a good job, but I won't get fired this time.

I've learned that writing is like this - the jobs come and the jobs go. I have a problem with change and the lack of permanence. I like to know what is coming, I like structure and being able to budget my money accurately. I like the stability of working for someone else. I have to let go of that. I have to learn the business of blogging for real now. I have to learn how to write a marketing plan and to hustle sponsors and ads. I can do it, but right now, sitting here thinking about the end of the basketball season, I want to put it all away, up on the shelf, for one more day.

Good Ponytail Day

I have a pretty good view from the floor at Sarah's games. I like the way the floor shines and it's easier to pick that up when I'm sitting low. Plus, I'm a floor sitter from way back. Sarah played hard today. Her coach kept her in much longer than he normally does. The last two minutes of the game, she was off court. I could see that her red face had these patches of white - blotches. She was exhausted.

She's in the middle running here, ponytail bouncing.

There's that shiny floor. It reminds me of high school. I was so excited about high school as a freshman. That changed and later I was more interested in boyfriends than school activities. I wish I had played sports. I don't remember feeling like I could. I did tall flags and drill team when I was in the 10th grade, living down with my dad for a couple of years. I enjoyed that, but it was different from the effort that the girls put into basketball.

Why is it that the 43 year old me absolutely believes that the kid me could have done it, could have played ball just fine? There's something about my 40s that makes me feel like I can try anything. That after trying it, even if I don't master it, I will at least be able to finish it. Whatever it is.

More running. Sarah was having an awesome ponytail day, by the way. Happy weekend to you.

Pictures of Self

I picked up a new helmet for Sarah today. I told her that since she was getting the helmet, she was going to have to take a ride with me. She was outraged at first, but eventually she followed me outside. She made it around (3/10 of a mile each lap) 4 times to my 10. She kept stopping to pull up her pants or adjust her belt. I planned ahead. I wore a big t-shirt that used to belong to my brother-in-law Matt, so I was covered.

I get so goal-oriented when I ride or walk or run. I have to have something to work toward. I had already worked out earlier, so I thought, hmm, 3 miles is fine. Nice and short. I can ride it in my flip flops. (Yes, I was wearing flip flops. It was so warm out there).

Another thing that I thought about while on my bike - it's my favorite thinking spot - I watch a lot of TV, but not too much TV. I spend plenty of time on other pursuits, so if I have a conversation like the following exchange, I won't freak:

Bailey: Mom, what day is it?
Me: Well, Tony Dinozzo was on last night, so it's Wednesday.

My first thought was that I should not tell the days of the week by my TV boyfriends, but whatever. It's harmless. At least I knew what day it was.

365:7 Sarah's Light

These beads hang from Sarah's bedroom light. They are a sort of chandelier thing that say, "Bratz" on them - well on some of them. I picked them for my 365 Project because.....

*I forgot to shot something else and it was dark outside and......
*I spent a part of my day clearing crap out of her room.
*They were a part of her room that is clean.

Sarah is a packrat. She wants to keep everything. Everything. I'm talking about little ripped pieces of paper and broken toys. This morning I had one of my your-room-makes-me-crazy freak outs and by mid-afternoon I carted two huge bags of stuff out of her room. Unfortunately one of the things that I threw away - a ripped and broken backpack - also held her iPod. (Where else would you keep it, right??)

I made her climb into the dumpster to get it. Yuck. I'm horrible. The dumpster was actually empty except for our things. Lucky. But yucky anyway. I will never forget how it smelled so strongly of parmesan cheese. I made her take her shoes off before going in the house, then she had to strip at the washer. Straight to the shower with you, kid!!

I thought she'd get it and actually get to work on her room, but instead she is listening to her (rescued) iPod and reading. I would close the door on it and be done, but Max lives in there, too, and I worry that she's got mold growing in there or maybe huge spiders.

Candy Houses

Christmas is over!!! Yay!!! I ended up in the spirit, but it was tough. Here are a couple of photos of the girls making their candy houses. They had a lot of fun. Kitty licked them right away. Silly Kitty.

Bailey loves the cream cheese frosting. Could you tell??

I'm going to take part in Shutter Sisters 365 Photo project at Flickr. I think it's going to be fun. I write every day (not here) so taking photos should be a breeze. I predict lots of product photos for work, lots of patio shots, and Sarah, because I can usually talk her into it.

I'd like to get a new little point and shoot that I can carry with me on runs, my bike, or hikes. There's no way I'm running with either of my "good" cameras in a backpack. I'm having trouble writing. My attention is half on the TV where I'm watching a rerun of Criminal Minds. Reed just told a philosophy joke. No one laughed. He's my favorite part of the show.

Feeling Chatty....

I started my holiday baking last night. I made some combo chip cookies with semi-sweet, milk chocolate, white chips and coconut. They turned out good, but I've never met a chocolate chip cookie that I did not like. Sometimes I put a little bit of oats in them. I like a crisp cookie and both the browned coconut and oats really give a cookie great texture.

I made up sugar cookies with the cookie cutters that I got from Mom and Grandma. I love using their tools. My rolling pin used to be Great Grandma Halfhill's. I like feeling like they are somehow baking right alongside me. Most of my pans belonged to Grandma Halfhill, my strainer, my colander, all the things I use every day. I'd like to add to my pan collection, but I will always use these tools. I trust them.

I have a friend who uses his mother's baking table when he cooks. It's perfect - good height, good size, and you can see the marks she put into the table over the years as she prepared food for her family. What a treasure. He lost his mom way too early, but every meal he prepares, her hand is in it.

That table means a lot to him. I appreciate people who get things like that. New things are nice, but a little family history, there's nothing like it. I want to hand things down to my girls when they have their own families. I want Bailey to be able to grate cheese for tacos with Grandma's grater and Sarah to scoop ice cream with her wooden handle scoop. It might sound silly, but that's just me.

Baking, it really helped to regain my holiday spirit. I've still got a lot left to do - lacy almond cookies and some fudge. Maybe some chocolate krinkles for Mom. Tonight I'm going to make a quiche for dinner. I haven't made one of those in a long time. When I was a hairdresser, I'd take my tips upstairs where I'd pick up quiche and spinach salad for lunch. Yum. That reminds me......I think I need a bag of spinach. I'm going to finish my decorating and my wrapping. Okay, I'm going to start the wrapping - I have nothing under the tree so far. It's going to take me awhile. Good thing I've candy canes and cookies for energy.

Kitty scratched Sarah's face today. Sometimes she's mean and nasty. I try to get Sarah to understand that she can't have her face too close to her. I'm afraid that she's going to get her in the eye. I love my cat, but when she makes my girl cry, I feel like doing a Grandpa Harold, I feel like sending her sailing out the door (he chose the deck, flying kitty - don't worry, she always landed on her feet). I don't. I am gentle with her, but she's going to stay stuck in my bedroom for awhile today.

I'm done with my work-work for the day. Way early. Feels great. I may even get time to read today. Guess what? This was my 300th post. Wow.

I Want To Give Basketball A Hug

Today was the first day of the Winter basketball season for CARD. The kids got to watch the CSUC Men's and Women's team practice and do a dunking contest. Later, the kid's teams met and each played 2 practice games.

Sarah is my youngest and the smallest person in our family. When she's on the basketball court, she looks huge to me. She blocks and runs and waves her arms around. Her little face gets so red and if I were her, I'd probably barf from all the exercise. I am so proud of her and the effort she puts into her game.

The kids have a break until the second weekend in January. They practice but no official games until that weekend.

I'm really going to try to perfect my sports photography. I want to try to convey how exciting the girls are when they play. They put their whole heart into it, they don't care how they look, they don't worry about boys, or mean girls.

A girl's life goes like this - first they feel no limitations, they feel like they are beautiful, smart, strong, capable, then life starts to chip away at their confidence. Someone calls them ugly or fat or in some way makes them feel less or diminished. They deflate a bit. When girls play sports or sing or play an instrument, when they find something that they feel good about, it helps to inflate them again. They grow bigger, stronger, they work harder, they enjoy some success. It's a wonderful thing.

I love what basketball does for Sarah. I wish I could give basketball a big hug of gratitude.

My List

Every year I set a few goals. Sometimes I reach them, sometimes I don't. There are a few things that I put on my list every year.

They are:

*Play something on my guitar
*Learn a foreign language
*Learn to juggle

Today is the 3rd, well it's the tail end of the 3rd. This year I'm going to accomplish those goals, at least in some part. Sarah is going to teach me something on my guitar. We are going to start tomorrow. We are going to start learning some Spanish - I think I'll get something from the library, like a kid's book. This weekend, we are going to juggle. That's it.

I've got a list and I've got a little over 3 weeks to finish it.

Then, I'll start a new list.

Sarah's Moon and My Ride

I am enjoying the late afternoons for my ride. As I headed East on Springfield today, the moon sat at the end of the street. It was big and pink, just hanging around at about 5pm.


It reminded me of my favorite moon, the one I saw when I drove home from the camping trip that brought me Sarah. We were on the way home from Lake Siskiyou, Max and Bailey asleep in the car, just West of Red Bluff and it was low and huge. Really incredible. I've always remembered of as Sarah's Moon, which would be funny if you knew Sarah - I'm always having to tell her to pull her pants up. (Leah is always saying, "Top o' the crack to ya!")


A few more minutes into my ride tonight and the sky really started to change - pink, purple, salmon-colored. The best thing about a cloudy day - it leads to a dramatic sunset.


On my second to last loop, a flock of Honkers flew overhead. I love the sound they make. It reminds me so much of home. All in all, a perfect ride.

Thankgiving Grump

Sometimes I have a hard time with holidays. My intention is to be happy and make a festive home, but part of me wants to go back to bed and sleep right through the day.


I woke up all set to get busy, but as the day went on I could feel my celebratory spirit slipping away. I kept cooking, getting organized, taking pictures, talking to Sarah, but I missed my daughter Bailey and I missed the company of other women in the kitchen - Mom, Robin, Grandma.


After dinner, I pulled the garbage bag out of the can, it split and the turkey carcass rolled down my leg, along my foot, onto the floor. I was done. I called Leah - she and KP were due in less than an hour for pie - and asked if we could postpone until tomorrow. I left them pie-less.


I want to figure out how to keep from getting grumpy at Christmas. Where is my notebook? I need to get started on a plan....

#1 Follow Sarah's cheery example. Sarah has the right attitude about the holidays. It doesn't matter which one. She's always ready to seize the day.......or the Kitty.

Kitty is trying to look grumpier than me here. Okay, she wins.

I Have This Wish For Bay

Just a quick update.......

Max is doing a bit better. He isn't needing breathing treatments as often and he's been fever-free today. He's starting a new week of antibiotics, so hopefully he will be doing well in a few days. We go back to the Dr on Tuesday. His hair is getting so long. Today, I pulled it back and said, "Look girls! Max has a Revolutionary War ponytail." Max wasn't amused, but Sarah sure was. I guess I better give the boy a haircut.

Sarah spent the night with her friend, Kacee on Friday. She came home and crashed early on Saturday, but for some reason, she thought she was awake until 4am. I think she must have dreamed that she was awake. She's asleep right now - wearing a Halloween costume. Bay wore it one year when she was a wizard or a witch. She is so cute.

Bay is feeling sad. She's going to be okay, though. She's a smart kid and while she's had some set-backs, she's figuring things out. She's very resilient and even when something bad happens, she looks for something to be happy about and she focuses on that. I don't know if she's noticed that about herself, but I have.

She had a friend-emergency this weekend. A girl she knows started throwing up and all the girl's friends took off. Bay stayed with her and found her a way home. Anybody that knows Bay very well will recognize this as HUGE. Bay's biggest fear is barf, which has made having Max as a brother challenging, because that kid barfs all the time. I'm proud of her for setting that aside and helping someone out when they needed it. When it comes to teenagers, it's important to appreciate the little things as well as the big ones.

I have this wish for Bay - I really hope that she can find friends like the friends that I have, people like Jackie and Leah who love me even when I'm not very lovable. It's important to find friends who love you despite your flaws. It's not a friend's job to judge - none of us is perfect. People that can't make allowances for human flaws, you are probably better off without them in the long run.

Some of those life lessons really suck.

I'm watching the new season of Storm Chasers on Discovery. Very exciting. I love to watch a good storm, but chasing tornadoes, I'll stick to watching that on TV.

Today was my boyfriend's birthday. I wonder if we will ever get to spend a holiday of any sort together? He's never tasted my birthday cheesecake.

Sarah's First Volleyball Game

Just when I was getting good at regular posting, I got sick.......Well, I'm better now. This week Sarah had her first volleyball game. She had a great time. Here she is getting ready to serve...... Serving is hard for the kids her size. They have to hit that ball so hard to make it over the net. We are going to practice, but it will have to wait a few days, because tonight she's at a Girl Scout camp out. The girls are camping at a water park. She did the same trip last year and it sounds like so much fun. When she calls me I hear girls laughing and squealing.

I've been thinking a lot about that young bride-to-be who disappeared from Yale. I'm not sure why she's on my mind so much, unfortunately bad things happen all the time. I keep thinking about how tiny she is. She's smaller than Sarah - less than 5 ft tall and only 90 lbs. I keep thinking about how excited she must have been this week, finishing things up before her wedding that was supposed to happen this weekend. Her family, her fiance, they must be sick with worry. I don't think that this thing is going to have a good ending. It really, really sucks.

I want to make sure that my girls know how to defend themselves. Bay has had a couple of things happen. I need to make her understand that when it comes to safety, she does not need to worry about being polite. She needs to make sure whomever is acting aggressive better just back off. I'm going to talk to both girls about this, about self-defense, tomorrow night. I think it's time for a family meeting. We haven't had one of those in awhile.

Today is Greg's 18th birthday. Bay has been talking to him today and it's not going so well. I miss that kid. After he first left, I really missed the rumble of his voice in the other room. I hope he finds some way to be happy.

Here's a last shot from volleyball. I love the shiny wood floor. It reminds me of Yreka High School.

Back To School

I've been wanting to get back up the hill hiking again, but Max has been home sick for the past couple of days. I'm not sure if he's going back to school tomorrow, we'll see.

There's a spot of the trail were I'm suddenly reminded that there could be mountain lions around. Have I mentioned this before? I forget all about them, then I hit this spot, it's very close to the spot in this photo, and I get goosebumps. I look all around, see no scary big-cats, but I realize that I'm about half an hour from the safety of my car. I don't think anyone has seen a mountain lion up there for awhile, but I talked to a lady who saw a bobcat one time. She said, it walked across the path in front of her.

Tonight was back to school night for Sarah. Mom went with me. She's much better at paying attention than I am. Sarah's very excited about this school year and after listening to her teacher I can see why. That guy sounds like he's into everything. He's got a huge selection of classroom books, they've got a Nature Shelf, classroom pets, they run everyday and do PE daily, they do art all the time and he has a points system for rewards. He's got some great ideas.

Last year, when I still worked at the school, he really annoyed me on a couple of occasions, but his kids seemed to love him. I think I let my frustration with some of the other teachers color my opinion of him. I hate when I do that. I try to have an open mind. It's something that I pride myself on, but sometimes I'm stubborn and sometimes I'm wrong.

Oh, well. I'm a work in progress and I hope to get it right some day.

Feeling Grumpy

I've been craving Nutella sandwiches lately. I love wheat bread, but the Nutella sandwiches need to be on white bread, best if it's Potato bread. They taste a bit like a frosted donut sandwich. I think Ashlee is a new fan of Nutella.

I wish I had something fun to look forward to today. Instead I've got work and later I'm digging out a plant and replanting it. I've got a bill to drop off across town. I'm going to help Sarah with her room. Woohoo, the anticipation is making me feel a bit giddy........ Wow, where did the sarcasm come from? I am feeling a little bit grumpy. Darn.

I'm going to kick the bad attitude. There's no room for negativity in a Saturday. Maybe Mom will watch Buddy and I get get to the creek with Sarah.