Not A Red Frog

I haven't updated in a long time. First I was bored and boring and didn't feel like talking about being either one. Then, I started a new job on Monday and I'm exhausted. I will be working in transactions, fixing and paying health insurance claims. I seem to be the only one in the class who knows nothing about insurance. That's what happens when you go without health insurance and avoid doctors for 10+ years. I guess that in this case being healthy isn't a good thing.


I think the work is going to be challenging and I like learning new things, but I miss taking care of someone. I miss Max, because he was my son and I loved him, but also because I  felt like I was doing something important and worthwhile. Not that health insurance isn't important, but it's not the same. I wonder if I'm meant to be a nurse?  I wish I could go back to school. I'm going to think on this one for awhile and see what I come up with. In the meantime, I'll keep with the training, because I know there are lots of opportunities for growth in my company.

I'm taking Sarah on a road trip this weekend. We are going to visit a friend and he's got all kinds of interesting adventures planned for us. I don't know what we are doing for sure, but it all sounds good to me. I want to get outside..... and I'm looking forward to seeing my friend. :)

 No, my friend is not pictured above. He's much taller than the red frog and I'm pretty sure he can jump higher, too.

Please Stop Fighting

I keep working to try to bring my home around to some sort of "normal." It's never been an overly calm place - with three women in the house there's a fair amount of raised voices - but I feel very strongly that I don't want any negativity here.

I'm guilty of negativity myself - Sarah's room is driving me crazy. It borders on someting you'd see on Hoarders and that scares the stuffing out of me. I will say, "get that garbage off the floor" and then I will leave the room. The garbage consists of random playing cards, lost earrings, wrappers, wrappers, wrappers, old cotton from doing her nails, little toys she hasn't played with in 6 years, and more wrappers. It takes me only a few moments to clear it away - it all goes into a bag and out to the dumpster - but she will be in there for hours and never get it done. I lose my patience and I blow.

One of the things that makes me blow harder and faster is when my older daughter is fighting with her boyfriend. Sometimes it's here in the house an sometimes it's over the phone. It goes on every single day. Sometimes they will spend a portion of the day getting along, but there is some sort of relationship stress shared with the entire family every day.

Today her boyfriend came over for the first time in 9 days. The last day he was here, he got upset with her and stayed on the patio for hours, until I finally said, just drive him home. He texted me and she talked to me and I could not seem to make these kids understand that our family had been through a trauma and we didn't need the fighting. The week that followed consisted of Bailey being ignored by him. She would text or call him and he wouldn't respond. I know how that feels - I had a boyfriend who lived in another state and he would ignore me for weeks at a time (why did I put up with that?). I tell her stop texting him, stop calling him. You can't make a person change their behavior - they have to come up with that on their own. They have to make that connection and say, hey, I better stop being so selfish.

I need to relax about Sarah's room. Sarah needs me to relax about her room. And I need those kids to stop wasting precious time fighting. Everything can fall apart and you can lose someone you love in an instant. Stop wasting time on ugly things. Be good to each other.

They won't listen. Even with Max dying, I feel like the kids just don't get it. You can't get that time back.

I feel so guilty about wasting time on a man at the beginning of the Summer. I had this big crush and I knew it was a bad idea, but I went for it anyway. And that guy doesn't want to be happy. He called me drunk in the middle of the night last night, sad and rambling. He can't let go of something hurtful. He's wasting every day on this hurtful thing. Why?

I wish I could go back to the beginning of this Summer and start all over, do the whole thing differently, but I can't. I wish I could relive every single moment with my boy, Max, but I can't.

This fighting stuff, it hurts so much. In my head I keep thinking, "I don't want this, I don't want this," but "this" is life and I don't want to wish any time with the girls away. "This" is my grief, as well, and there's no letting go of that. If I do, then it's like I've accepted that he's gone. Even though it's been weeks and he's sitting in a little box on my dresser, there's still a part of me that thinks I can somehow get him back, that a boy that wonderful, that sweet and beautiful can't be gone. The world can't keep revolving without him here. It's wrong.

I'm sorry. I probably should keep these thoughts in my head, but sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. It hurts so much.

Godspeed Little Man

In my 44 years I've lost a few people whom meant a lot to me, but this time around the grieving process feels very different. Every day I wake up and I think, "Max is gone." My mind immediately tries to reject the idea. "No, he's still here."


For the past week and a half, I've been going about the business of life, trying to find a job, trying to show my friends and family that they don't have to worry about me, that I'm okay. Today, I had a job assessment which is leading to a second interview, so that is encouraging. Plus, we found out an hour ago that my grandbaby-to be is a little boy. That was thrilling news. People have been reaching out to my family sending us cards and flowers and meals and it feels so good to know that Max touched so many lives.

I'm trying really hard to be normal, to find joy in the every day, because I want to be strong for my girls, but this grief thing, it can sneak up on me and sometimes, I have to admit, it kicks my ass. It's like a wave that crashes over my head and steals my breath away.

I can be calm and smiling even. Minutes later, there's that grief again. While driving to get milk at Raleys, a Dixie Chicks song came on and I heard;

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

It's a song that a mom sings to her sleeping boy, but I connected with it and next thing I know I'm a mess again - driving down the road, crying in my minivan. I miss my "little man" so much. He was a wonderful son and I loved taking care of him. Every single day was a gift. People would say things to me about raising him, comment about how it must be hard to take care of a boy with special needs, but he wasn't hard. He was sometimes heavy, but never difficult. Everything about him was positive, everything was good.

Grief might kick my ass, but I think I'm just going to ride these waves as they hit me. I'm not going to push any of it away, I'm going to find a way to keep my head above water, and I'm definitely going to listen to that song again, even if it makes me cry.

8/10/2010

School starts for Sarah tomorrow. She will be in the 7th grade. Bay starts at her new job. I really hope the day goes well for both girls. They deserve a good day.

I keep thinking about Max's class and how I'm sure it will be tough for all the ladies who work in there. He went to the same school for 17 years. His teacher, Jill, brought us dinner last night and the school psychiatrist brought dinner tonight. I keep looking at the place where he naps and he's not there. I hear a noise that sounds like a Max-noise and I look up, but it's not him. I miss my son so much. I keep holding on to that feeling and I don't want to let go. There's some crazy part of my brain that still hopes I'll wake up and the whole thing will have just been a nightmare.

I Love Good Huggers

It's a been a long week. Max is finally feeling better, I'd say he's kicked the pneumonia, but he had hard to work pretty hard at it. It concerns me that he got that sick so soon after the last time. (Last Winter).  I think a lot about pulling him from school, but they have so much more in terms of position equipment there. And his teacher is truly wonderful. Plus I met a couple of her friends who have "adopted" the class and one of them says that Max is her favorite. She was talking to me about working with him at the tea party, not sure if I mentioned this before, and her eyes teared up. She seemed embarrassed, but I appreciated her affection and caring for my boy. I'm the kind of person who tears up easily, as well. There's nothing wrong with strong emotion. And my son is a special kid. I want him to be spend his life with people who love him.

I ended up sick, too. On Sunday night, I felt like I could not get a good breath and it scared me. I wasn't getting any work done, because I felt so unfocused - lack of oxygen will do that I guess. I decided to go to the Dr in the morning and he said I had sinusitis that turned into Bronchitis. He gave me a shot in the hip, a breathing treatment, antibiotics, and prednisone. He wanted me to take something for the cough and a pain pill, but I don't like to load up too much on that stuff. By the afternoon, I felt so much better, I could breathe a bit and I could think. I was able to drive for the first time in a week. Thank goodness.

This week I've been talking to a couple of men. Well, a few men, actually. Feast or famine, that's how it goes with me. I decided to switch my photo at one of the online dating sites and all of a sudden things got active. One man sounds almost too perfect, which scares me a little. We have a lot in common and for the past few years, the men that I've dated have been good guys, but not men that I had that much in common with. I suspect they found my way of looking at things frustrating. Too positive, rainbows coming out my butt, crazy California-dreaming.........okay, these are my words, not theirs.

One called me "quirky." One of my quirks - good dental hygiene. What the........?? It's now considered quirky if you brush regularly and actually use floss?  Hey, I  can't afford the dentist. I want to keep these teeth. No quirks involved.

I've also been talking to an old friend who is going through a rough time. He thought he was on his way to marriage, a growing family, but suddenly it's all gone. It's hard to watch/listen to a friend in pain, but to be a good friend, I've got to give it a try.  I keep trying to remember how I felt lately, out of sorts, lonely, sad. What helped me? What made things worse?  I don't want him to feel that he has to be up for me, because I'm trying to cheer him, so I'm trying to avoid putting pressure on him to "have a great day," although I'm sure I've said that, it is on old stand by of mine.  I'm trying to follow his lead. He's a strong man, he's been through a lot, and he always makes it through.

Why do some people end up getting more than their share of the challenges life likes to hand out?

I'm looking forward to being able to give him a big hug soon. He's one of those great huggers. I've known him since he was about 10 years old - he was a classmate of my younger sister. I was older, an 8th grader and he was one of those jr flirts. Pretty funny. We were talking about that the other day. Funny kid.

Back to the hugging....... he has a lot of friends, one of those people whom every body loves. Some years back, I was out with a group of old girl friends from high school. I can't remember how I ended up with the group, I was a young mom and never went out....... Anyway, there were about 6 or 7 of us and as we ran into him on the street, he put out his arms and we each automatically went in for our hug, taking turns. We only talked to him for a few minutes in passing, but he had time to give each of a us a good, strong hug. He's a very sweet man.

I love hugs. Especially hugs from men. Getting hugs from the kids, they are wonderful, but there is something about getting a hug from someone who is bigger and stronger than me, it's so soothing and comforting, as if for just a few seconds I can hand over the reins of being The One Who Protects to someone else, just briefly.

I better bring this to an end. My kids want to eat......and hopefully give me a hug. Here's my latest 365 Project photo. I got so behind when I was ill.

Max Is Sick & I'm Sick of Facebook

My boy, Max, is sick. He had a low-ish fever this weekend. I am determined to get him well or well-er today. I'm hitting him with the breathing treatments, the percussion, I'm planning to kick that illness's butt, if it had a butt, of course.

Do you have a Facebook account?  I do and it was fun for awhile. I enjoyed catching up with old friends, seeing how they turned out, hearing about their interests and their families. Lately, however, it's not as much fun. I get tired of reading about politics (about how wrong mine apparently are)  and about how this or that group is over-stepping their bounds in one way or another. More pictures, more little league updates, and movie quotes please. Less anti-Obama, anti-immigrant, anti-whatever. Or maybe I am the only who has a problem with the negativity. Maybe I'm in the minority. I keep hiding people - pretty soon my feed will consist of 5 ladies, my crush, and my daughter's friends. 

Okay, back to kicking that illness's butt. I think I'll hit it with a little Vitamin C.

Max Needs A Jogging Stroller

I think I've mentioned before that my son, Max (19), is disabled. As a young disabled person, he fits within the requirements to receive some wonderful services. I appreciate these services very, very much. I am lucky that I live in a state (California) that offers these services.


Sometimes the service organizatons refuse to work together. Three years ago, Max's school nurse suggested that Max would benefit from a jogging stroller. She knew that I was a runner and she also knew that I was concerned that Max wasn't stimulated enough, that he was always sleeping. By having a stroller of this type, I'd be able to take him running with me, plus it would make it easier to camp, go to the park, etc. I'm unable to take his seating system - a wheelchair that doesn't fold - with me in my vehicle, so we end up staying home. All the time.

Far Northern Regional Center will pay for a jogging stroller for Max. To do so, they need a letter from California Children's Services saying that they will NOT pay for one and they need two examples of chairs that would work well for Max (CCS is the one who is in charge of Max's OT and PT). Each organization says they have done what needs to be done on their part and then they tell me to "keep on" the other organization. They say they can't take the next step without something from the other organization. Both places say that their last communication was August of 2009.

Why don't they talk to each other, instead of me? I realize that I'm asking for something for free here - a therapy-based stroller that will make me son's life better. My problem is this - these people are not volunteers. They are paid to do these jobs. If there were not kids like Max and families like my own, then their jobs would be unnecessary.  Please give my kid the stroller before he's too old to qualify for it. PLEASE!!!! I wish that I could buy one myself, but the therapy people say he needs a special setting system which puts it out of my price range.

Tomorrow I'm calling both agencies. I want to talk to someone who can cut through this and get Max the equipment that he needs. I haven't asked for anything in years and I don't forsee having to ask for any special equipment again.
 
Thanks for reading this. I needed to vent a little

Running On Empty-ish

I'm running out of ideas for my Shutter Sister's 365 Project. I've taken photos of my patio before and after the flowers bloomed, before and after the rain fell, plus the rubber lizards, plastic spiders, the little Eiffel Tower, and the cherub.

I've shot Sarah mulitple times, Kitty even more. I've shot Bay and PJ, Mom and Pam. I've shot my fish, Goldie,  and a few dinners. Breakfasts, lunches, too. I've shot inside my car, outside my car, and my reflectio,n as caught in a puddle, on the way back from my car. I've shot a bit of the park and the front of Raley's Supermarket.

What next?  Tonight I shot my dinner - a beer and peanut butter toast (girls were elsewhere). Boring.  Also, shot the patio, yet again, but the light was bad. About 11:30 pm I picked up my camera and shot Goldie, but he wouldn't hold still. I shot a photo of a photo - Max when he was little, then the mini bird clip that holds my time card until time card turn-in day. I'll share a few below.........

Feels like Monday, but It's Tuesday

Good morning from me and Max, who is above. I caught him when his bus arrived today. He didn't love it, but he was very patient.

I'm up way too late. I was looking at a Facebook friend's music - she shared some Dave Matthews Band - and Bay and I started looking things up. Next thing you know I'm shopping at iTunes. I got a mixture - a little DMB, 3 Jill Scott, 2 Lady Antebellum, a Taylor Swift, a Gary Allan, 2 Miranda Lamberts, and a Shania Twain.

The Shania Twain is that song that goes something like, "Am I dreamin', or stupid, I think I been hit by cupid, no one needs to know right now." I love that song and it was on Twister last weekend. You only hear it for a few seconds, but it's a great song. "I want bells to ring, a choir needs to sing, .... I tell ya someday, someway, or somehow, but I'm gonna keep it a secret now..."

I left this bit on my FB friend's post from the song, The Space Between, by the Dave Matthews Band;

Look at us spinning off in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

I've done that - I've gone off like the devil in a church. I showed a bit of devil this morning when my daughter did not announce that her friend was in the house and I was caught walking down the hallway in my panties and tank top. I wasn't happy. Then, I put pjs on and slide across the kitchen in a puddle of water. I was ka-rank-EE.

When I took creative writing, way back when, I used to listen to DMB as I wrote. I enjoy the way Dave writes his lyrics and I wrote a lot of poetry back then. I wanted to create something similar to the lyrics, but never really got there. I do better with poetry when I take advantage of a certain type of pacing for humor. I think it's a cop-out when I do that, but it's what I do. It's easier to make someone laugh sometimes, then to share something real and raw.

One time, I wrote a poem that was straight from the heart, absolutely how I felt and the way I felt was hurt and pissed. It was one of the first of my poems that I sold (haven't tried to get any published in years) and I was very excited, so I wrote to the ex that inspired it. I was not very computer savvy back then and I accidentally copied or forwarded it to his work email. I was mortified, because it was email that his boss saw for some reason. What a maroon.

There are days when I screw up and I drive myself crazy with the idiocy of my actions, but sometimes I throw my hands up, I shrug, and I move on. There's no fixing some situations. In the words of DMB, I "took (that) ship down..." Wasn't no way to save that one.

Hope this one makes sense. I've reread it, but my brain is tired.

Something Went Wrong Along the Way

Max is my 365 Project photo of the day. I took this of him when he was watching his little sister practicing. Sarah plays basketball and today we worked on free throws. I'd like to help her, but I don't know what I'm doing.

The day started out great, but this afternoon I started feeling stuck and pissed off. I couldn't find the needle for the ball pump, after I bought new needles, and it pretty much went from there. Tonight, Bay wants me to pick her boyfriend up and she's had her friend, Alex, here all afternoon. I don't want spare teenagers around tonight. We were going to do game night, but it's no good if it's forced. I feel like going GGGGGRRRRRRR!!!

Sometimes it's big things that turn a day sour, but sometimes it's nothing big or specific, just a general blah, "is this all there is?" type of feeling. I try very hard to have a good attitude, but I'm not perfect, that's for sure.

Max's Mohawk

Today is my son Max's 19th birthday. In honor of the day and because I thought it would be a good look for Halloween, I gave him a mohawk. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold up a kid and cut his hair at the same time? It's near impossible, but here's how he turned out........ His hair had grown so long, because..........well he's Max and Max has a lot of hair, but he was sick for a few weeks and I didn't want to hassle him with a haircut. Here's what we started with.... I already had one side buzzed when I remembered to ask Bay to grab the camera. You can see from the other side that his hair was down to his shoulders.

After I buzzed it, I couldn't get the mohawk to stand up, so I had to cut some of the length of it off. If he was someone who walked around, we could use something extra to really stiffen the spike part, but I don't want to make the kid miserable. He spends so much of his time napping. I think after this, I'll leave the mohawk for a bit and just let it lay down.

I hope he enjoys showing it off at school today. His school has students of all ages - preschool all the way up to the early 20s. He's probably one of the oldest guys there.

Today is also my last day at Relationships - I finished Food/Nutrition a few days ago. I'll still be at Splendicity Fragrance and Pretty By Nature. I'm starting at a new place very soon. Relationships was my first blogging job - it was called Dating Dames back then - my first writing job after a few years away from freelancing. I'm ready for a change, but I'm a little sad about leaving it behind.

**Okay, not my last day at Blisstree Relationships because I can't post. Maybe tomorrow?**

I Have This Wish For Bay

Just a quick update.......

Max is doing a bit better. He isn't needing breathing treatments as often and he's been fever-free today. He's starting a new week of antibiotics, so hopefully he will be doing well in a few days. We go back to the Dr on Tuesday. His hair is getting so long. Today, I pulled it back and said, "Look girls! Max has a Revolutionary War ponytail." Max wasn't amused, but Sarah sure was. I guess I better give the boy a haircut.

Sarah spent the night with her friend, Kacee on Friday. She came home and crashed early on Saturday, but for some reason, she thought she was awake until 4am. I think she must have dreamed that she was awake. She's asleep right now - wearing a Halloween costume. Bay wore it one year when she was a wizard or a witch. She is so cute.

Bay is feeling sad. She's going to be okay, though. She's a smart kid and while she's had some set-backs, she's figuring things out. She's very resilient and even when something bad happens, she looks for something to be happy about and she focuses on that. I don't know if she's noticed that about herself, but I have.

She had a friend-emergency this weekend. A girl she knows started throwing up and all the girl's friends took off. Bay stayed with her and found her a way home. Anybody that knows Bay very well will recognize this as HUGE. Bay's biggest fear is barf, which has made having Max as a brother challenging, because that kid barfs all the time. I'm proud of her for setting that aside and helping someone out when they needed it. When it comes to teenagers, it's important to appreciate the little things as well as the big ones.

I have this wish for Bay - I really hope that she can find friends like the friends that I have, people like Jackie and Leah who love me even when I'm not very lovable. It's important to find friends who love you despite your flaws. It's not a friend's job to judge - none of us is perfect. People that can't make allowances for human flaws, you are probably better off without them in the long run.

Some of those life lessons really suck.

I'm watching the new season of Storm Chasers on Discovery. Very exciting. I love to watch a good storm, but chasing tornadoes, I'll stick to watching that on TV.

Today was my boyfriend's birthday. I wonder if we will ever get to spend a holiday of any sort together? He's never tasted my birthday cheesecake.

Ms or Mr Mantis

Max and I are sick. Yuck. First, he got it and now me. So far he's feverish. I haven't hit that point yet. Just the yucky part. I'm taking a lot of Vitamin C.

I found the guy above when I was watering. I had the hardest time getting him to look at me. I have a feeling he prefers Nikons to Canons. Darn. Grabbed the wrong camera.

Mom loves Praying Mantis...... mantises? mantisi? She loves the things. I wonder if this is the same one from earlier the Summer. Do they change color, because that one was little and green. This guy (girl?) looks older.

I'm taking off now. I think I need a Popsicle.

Back To School

I've been wanting to get back up the hill hiking again, but Max has been home sick for the past couple of days. I'm not sure if he's going back to school tomorrow, we'll see.

There's a spot of the trail were I'm suddenly reminded that there could be mountain lions around. Have I mentioned this before? I forget all about them, then I hit this spot, it's very close to the spot in this photo, and I get goosebumps. I look all around, see no scary big-cats, but I realize that I'm about half an hour from the safety of my car. I don't think anyone has seen a mountain lion up there for awhile, but I talked to a lady who saw a bobcat one time. She said, it walked across the path in front of her.

Tonight was back to school night for Sarah. Mom went with me. She's much better at paying attention than I am. Sarah's very excited about this school year and after listening to her teacher I can see why. That guy sounds like he's into everything. He's got a huge selection of classroom books, they've got a Nature Shelf, classroom pets, they run everyday and do PE daily, they do art all the time and he has a points system for rewards. He's got some great ideas.

Last year, when I still worked at the school, he really annoyed me on a couple of occasions, but his kids seemed to love him. I think I let my frustration with some of the other teachers color my opinion of him. I hate when I do that. I try to have an open mind. It's something that I pride myself on, but sometimes I'm stubborn and sometimes I'm wrong.

Oh, well. I'm a work in progress and I hope to get it right some day.

TGIO - Thank Goodness It's Over

This post brought to you by Max's sweet little feet. How cute are they? He is the only teenage boy in the world who never has stinky feet. My weekend was.... on the exhausting side. I have some things to figure out, but I feel like it's going to work out okay. I am trying to keep a level head, think it through with my brain and not my heart. These are not always easy things for me to do. I'm a go-with-the-gut kind of girl. My gut is just saying, "Ouch. I hurt. Stop stressing."

I did a bunch of baking and cooking today. A lot of fun. I couldn't do my work for awhile, there was a problem with whatever allows us to put up photos. In the long run, it worked out well because I had time to do fun stuff. I made up a cookie recipe and a granola recipe. Both are good. I love granola. It's so pricey though. Have you ever noticed that?

I put some organic fertilizer out yesterday. It smelled like cow poop. The kind that I remember from when I was a kid and cows were still allowed to eat grass. These days, you drive by a stock yard and about pass out from the stench because they feed them things like rendered animals. It's not natural and the smell that comes out of them is the most basic proof of that. Poor cows.

We used to use cowpies for bases when we played kickball. The old dried out ones, not the warm and juicy ones. Eww. I can also remember my sister and I throwing it at each other.

That was so much fun, moving from the city to the country. Absolutely the very best decision my mom ever made. Thank you, Mom. I love you.

My beautiful sister got bit by a dog last night. On the face. Mom called and told me today and I'm afraid I fell apart. (I'm so sorry, Mom!!!). It happened when she was petting the dog and then she laughed. She thinks that she startled it. I kept picturing my beautiful sister laughing her wonderful laugh, her hand on the dog, and then the horror of the bite.

She had to have 14 stitches and 12 shots. She sent me a photo on the phone and it's on her chin, down below the corner of her mouth, a crescent shape of swollen stitches. Damn.

I usually do not say this, but I am very glad that this weekend is over. Now, I'm going to give Max his medicine. Goodnight.

Baby's 1st Christmas

I was playing around with my camera the other day, something that I've not had a lot of time to do lately. I was trying to take a shot of a candle that I was reviewing, I wanted to show it lit because the holder was so pretty.

I don't know the trick to taking low light photos. I tried changing the shutter speed and that was interesting. Then, because I had the camera in my hand, I started pointing it at pretty much anything in the room. Do you do that? It reminds me of when I start watering the garden and pretty soon I've sprayed off the entire patio, including the overhead spiderwebs because it's just so darn much fun to play with the house.

Later, after I drove Bay over to Greg's house, I held the phone in my lap and would put it up and shoot blindly down the dark road in front of me. The lights looked like streams, slippery, swirly, stripes.
I decided to try some closer shots of my tree, which got tricky because I couldn't tell if the camera was fully in focus. Can you see me in the pink bulb below?

One of our family traditions is the Baby's 1st Christmas ornaments. Here is Sarah's ornament, from 1998.

And Bailey's little bear from 1992.

Max's ornament is a little harder to see. It's a white baby bottle. Can you see it? It's in the middle. Max's first Christmas was 1990. That was probably my most exciting Christmas ever. I can remember opening all my presents with my tiny little boy in my lap.

Mom got all the ornaments for me. I'm very excited about the holidays this year. I think we are going to do a bunch of baking this weekend. We make chocolate chip cookies, decorated sugar cookies, snickerdoodles, fudge....... and I think we'll do something else, something new. Maybe some sort of brittle. Any suggestions?

I still haven't heard from Steve. I have an ad up at Match.com, thinking that if he doesn't want me, doesn't want to continue to pursue a committed relationship maybe it's time to move on. But he never said he didn't want one, he just said he did not know about the future right now. I'm so confused. I want him, but he does this out of contact thing that makes me crazy. It hurts to be ignored. For days. For weeks. Doesn't he feel that I'm interesting? I don't want anyone else, but I feel like an ass sitting up here on the shelf for so long.

So, I made an ad and I really think I'm very relieved that nobody else wants me either and that's why I'm baking and taking picture after picture of my tree. I'm focusing on Christmas. I bought Max a little iPod Shuffle. Shh, don't tell him. He's going to love it. I hope.

Interested in Some FREE Mascara??

Today Bay and I got to do something very fun. We got to try the new Spinlash mascara with the spinning applicator brush. We loved it. It stays very soft and flexible, not sticky. I liked that. I'm giving away 4 of the Spinlashes at The Scented Life.

Come check out our before and afters and leave me a comment. I will be choosing 4 random commenters to win a Spinlash mascara of their own. Here's Bay with the mascara on.
She has some fancy lashes even without makeup. I haven't had lashes like that since I was 16.

Tomorrow I have the opportunity to take some senior photos for some girls that Mom knows. I'm very excited. To practice, I took some shoots of my super special senior boy, Max. Here he is waiting for the schoolbus on the front porch.

Now, I'm off to give him some medicine before bed. I hope that you have a wonderful evening/day.

The Happening, With Toots

Bettie Page is ill. Did you hear? Did you know that she's 85? In my mind she's still the young girl with the bangs. Someday, when I know what I'm doing and I have a studio, I'd like to have a set up where I could do fun pin-up type photos for ladies. Sort of like the way they used to do those makeover glamour shots with the pink frou frou wraps back in the late '80s.

Leah came over to watch a movie with Max, Sarah, and me tonight. It was nice to have company - I was so excited that I ran right out to buy snacks. Leah brought the movie, The Happening . It was interesting. I like Mark Wahlberg - he's cute and he has this low, soft voice. Very effective. I'm not clear on some parts of the movie and I won't talk about it here in case you have not seen it and plant to at some time.

Sarah kept tooting. And tooting. And tooting. She finds this hil-ar-i-ous. I do not. I think that the first one embarrassed her, but we giggled, so she kept it up. I love my girl, but I wish she was not so crazy about the body humor. Poop jokes, toots, boogies, barfing on the cartoons - that kid loves it all.

Time to get the tooter and her brother to bed. I wish you are good evening/day/morning!

Max's Fever

Just a short post tonight. Max came down with something last night and developed a temperature of 103.4 F. It was very scary.

Luckily, Steve was the hero of the night and ran out to buy me some additional fever reducer when the Ibuprofen didn't phase the fever. In the past, I've tried staggering doses of acetaminophen and ibuprofen for a high fever and last night, it only reduced 2 degrees. See, scary kid sometimes. It was enough to stop his shivering. This was the first time in 17 years that I was able to turn to a partner for some support. It was wonderful.

Today, I took Max to the Dr and he was given two shots of antibiotics. He's been resting every since. He is such a tough kid.

Well, I'm off to make some brownies. Sarah and I are going to stir milk chocolate chips, white chocolate chips, and crushed Heath bars into them. Steve is on a short trip with his dad, so I have to sleep without him next to me. It's surprising how quickly I grow to rely on that. He's so warm. I back up to him and he's like a full-length heating pad. Plus he smells good.

Max's Birthday

Max turned 18 yesterday. Here's a photo of Max that Sarah took and I edited. Poor kid, I'm bending his ear a bit there. Could you tell? He didn't want to hold his head up. I thought this would work for Sepia Scenes.

Max has a brain disorder called Lissencephaly. Kids with his disorder, they don't live very long. When he was little, I used to hear they had between 3 months and 3 years, something like that. I've had 18 years so far and in those 18 years, we've spent very little time apart. He's stayed the night with Grandma a couple of times. We were apart for about 36 hours when each of his sisters were born. In my whole life, Max is the biggest constant. Taking care of him, it's my most important job. And I love it.

Much of the time I've been worried - he's so fragile, so dependent on me for everything, and I never want to let him down. He's also incredibly tough. He has scoliosis and lives in pain every day. He has seizures, this week, with his cold, he's been having more than usual.

Max doesn't laugh much, but today I was telling Mom how earlier in the week he did this sort of spoken laugh, sort of haa, haa, haa. As I was telling her, I ran my hand down his side, like tickling and he did it for her, the haa, haa, haa. It was so sweet.

On another note, I just saw the funniest commercial.......has anyone seen the new Guitar Hero commercial with Kobe Bryant, Michael Phelps, Derek Jeter (sp?), and..........oh dang, who was that last boy? Oh Tony Hawk! They were doing a sort of Risky business performance. I cannot wait until my girls see this.

Well, that's about it. It's late and I need to get to bed. I wish you a wonderful Thursday. Oh and if you are interested in the effects of color on attraction, then please check out my post Put Your Red Dress On.

**Hint- men like red. Who knew??**