A Year To Get It Right

I have spent the past year trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. I know it sounds melodramatic (whooo am I???), but my life is very definitely divided into three parts - Before Max, During Max, and After Max. He needed me and that made me feel like there was a reason that I existed. I was here for Max. Not that the girls haven't needed me, but they have always had a certain amount of do-it-herself-ness. Max needed me to do for him, because he couldn't do for himself.


I love being home, living in Northern CA again,  I love being married to John, I enjoy certain aspects of my work life (love working outside, found that I enjoy and have a little talent *my boss's words* when it comes to merchandising), but I'm broke all the time. I haven't seen my brother or my sister and their families in over a year. My grandson doesn't know me, Bay is lost and I can't help her. I never see my two best friends or my mom. I feel cut off. (There goes the melodrama again).

I need to figure out a way to work ONE job and make ends meet. Making ends meet with just a little extra would be a dream come true. (Actually that is most likely the American Dream these days...) I need to get organized (my husband's biggest complaint, hey, organize yourself, kid!) and I need to reconnect with my family and friends. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and figure out what I'm going to be. I need to make a list of my strengths and weaknesses, do some research about who actually makes money in my area, and get this thing done.

I give myself a year to get it right.

Father & Mother

Yesterday was Bay's birthday. She is now 19. It is the first time we have not spent her birthday together. I guess that's how it goes when your kids grow up and become mommies and you move away and get married to your best pal.

Bay wrote something on her Facebook wall about her stepdad remembering her birthday and her father forgetting. That man continues to be a disappointment to our children. I usually say he has good intentions and poor follow-through, but to be honest, as time goes by even I realize that may no longer be the case. What is wrong with him? Does he forget? How do you forget something like that?

I remember growing up with a single mom. My dad didn't forget my birthday, but I didn't get to spend very many of them with him. Mom used to say things like, "I try to be both a mother and a father to you." We all laughed when we heard George Carlin use the same line in his act, but a single parent really does have to play both roles. I'm not sure I was ever good at the dad-part, but once I got a Father's Day card from Sarah that said, "You are the top pop," and I'm saving that thing forever.

She's Focused On the Boy

I had to pick Sarah up early from camp this week. She had a fever - at one time it was almost 103 - and they have a policy, plus that's pretty darn high. She's feeling a little better, but still popping up with a low-grade fever off and on. She is usually asleep.

Even sick, she had a wonderful time at camp. She has already told me about a few of subjects they covered at Environmental School including Salmon spawning and mining for gold. She went down into a mine (with a guide) and  the kids panned for gold. She loved the experience.

It was a beautiful drive up there and back. Whiskeytown Lake is jsut minutes from the town of Redding. I took my camera up there with me. I started thinking, hhmm if I moved to this end of Redding, I could be at the lake all the time.......  I'm a dreamer and I think about moving all the time.

I have had a challenging week in terms of running. Wednesday I had horrible heartburn and after a practically sleepless nigh,t I skipped running today. I seriously doubt that I will get my entire 20 miles in this week. I have 14.1 so far. I'm thinking about walking the last 6 instead of running it. Or maybe running only a couple and walking the rest. I feel exhausted and stressed out. (I hope this makes sense. Like I said, operating on very little sleep here).

Raising a teenager is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I spend a good deal of time feeling heart-sick. Did my mom feel this way? Did my grandma feel this way?  I don't see any sort of success or parenting awards in my future. I'd really just like to survive this time, I'd like us both to survive it. I think a lot of what I see comes from my daughter being fearful about the future. She said today that she did not want to grow up anymore.

I try to remember what I was like at her age. I didn't fight as much with my mom, (Mom agrees with this), but I'm not sure I had any sort of plan other than to marry my boyfriend in a year or so and then move to the Bay Area. It was all very vague - I was focused on the boy only.

I was talking to Bay today about not focusing totally on your relationship. I said it's a lesson that you learn with age, that I didn't get it when I was first married. She agreed, but knowing something and changing a pattern of behavior are two completely different things.

The future, it's all very vague to her right now. She's focused on the boy only.  She will figure it out.

Being Bay's Mom

I just dropped my newly blonde daughter off downtown. She and her friend are going to a concert at the Senator theater. Very exciting. I gave her a 1:30 curfew, which I thought was generous. She did not. She's only 17.

This is her first day off after almost a week of grounding. Prior to that she was at Robin's place. Prior to the Rob visit, she was grounded.

I am really hoping that she will follow the rules I've given her, because I'm tired of grounding that kid. In 7 and a half months, she's going to be 18. It's time for her to start figuring things out on her own. I can't make the rules for her forever- she needs to learn to rule herself. Not an easy lesson to learn, as I remember.

Learning To Love My Outside

I've been trying to make peace with my appearance lately. It's a struggle for me, which then frustrates me......it's a whole Big Thing. What does it matter what I look like? I'm clean and I smell good. My skin is soft and my teeth are flossed. I've got it covered, right? Ehhh.....

Some days I'm fine with it all, the whole package. I think I need to lose a bit more weight, but I know that it will come off with my marathon training. My skin is pretty okay and I do write about makeup and skin care, so I have a whole lot of products available to me. (Which is my favorite part of the job).

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I'd wear shoes other than flip flops. Dressier than flip flops is what he meant. Well, yeah, I could do that, but then I'd probably need a new outfit to go with the shoes, since all my clothes are flip-floppable.

How come I'm an adult and I still wear the footware of a child? Shouldn't I own at least one really nice outfit? If I had the outfit, what would I wear over it if I was cold, because I doubt he'd like me using my blue hoodie either, In fact that would probably be a more serious infraction.

Okay, the whole thing makes me laugh, but it also worries me because it makes me think that he must have a whole closet full of big boy clothes and maybe I'm not grown up enough for a man who wears big boy clothes. It should not be too much for a man to expect his lady to be able to put on something nice every once in awhile. I think I need to do some shopping because I want him to be proud of me and I want to feel proud of myself, as well.

So many times I feel like I'm younger on the inside than I appear on the outside. I worry that I'm a fraud, that everyone can see my doubts, like they are fully visible and listed by order of fraudliness down the side of my face. Number one would be "still fairly clueless about raising teenagers," because that's a particular challenge I've struggled with today. Number two might be.... "worried she's bit off more than she can chew in regards to this damn marathon situation."

No. Wait. I reject that one. I'm not a fraud in the case of that one. I fully expect to be overwhelmed by marathon training, I'm guessing that there will be a lot of tears. I'm going for it anyway, because no matter what doubts I feel, no matter how many times I have to talk myself off that you-suck cliff-side, I know that I'm fine. I know that I'm attractive in my own way, and I know that I can run 26.2 miles with 5 months to train. I know it.