A Literacy Blog Project

Hello to you!

I am beginning my second week of school today. No actual-school, as today is Martin Luther King, Jr day, but I have been online working with my online class. It's an Early Childhood Education class on Literacy. We have to do a semester long project and I was scared spit-less at first. I even thought about dropping the class, because this was supposed to be the semester where I eeeeeased on back into school... No. No ease. I'm jumping in and I'm jumping in big-time.

One of the possible project ideas was to start a literacy blog. Well, that's the one for me. I made some notes on what I'd like to do (Make reading more fun for kids, share ideas that will help parents make reading more fun for their kids, etc) and now I'm working on a name for the blog.

Any ideas??

Out of Balance

I believe that my purpose in life is to find balance. Balance in work. Balance in family. Balance in leisure.  It sounds simple, but it's not. I'm always thinking, always brainstorming ways to find more balance. Sometimes I find it for a temporary amount of time and it's pure bliss. The trick is to find out how to stretch that bliss, lengthen it, draw it out... but maybe that is selfish of me?  Can I be hoping for too much bliss?  Am I too bliss-centric?  See how my brain works?  It's a crazy place at times - I think too much. 

         An example of leisure.... Rode in a biking event with my friend, Angela... Check out that chin of mine...

Here are the areas that I need to work on:

*More money - not for extravagant things, but for necessities
*More time for family
*More order within my home

And I'd like to enjoy what I'm doing when I make the money. I enjoy my work at the store, but it frequently takes me completely out of my family. I work late a lot. John works early. When I get home, he's already asleep. Sometimes he wakes up and he tells me how poorly things played out between he and Sarah that evening. She is 13 and really into testing her new stepdad. I feel guilty that the bulk of the parenting is falling to him lately.

John and I have different parenting styles. He focuses on chores. I focus on growth. He wants things done. I want them done smoothly. He thinks his way is right. I think my way is right. I don't know how he would have handled the years when my oldest daughter was so out-of-control.  There was no talking sense with her. It was maddening and I can remember thinking that I would be alone forever because no man could take that on. Okay, so John came along after that time.... now we've got a new teenager to figure out.... it's always something and it's all about.... growth. :) See, I am right! 

I am thinking about a career change. I look at the schedule every week and I see that very few people are getting enough hours to live on and for some reason, new people are continually hired. Hey, I'd take a few courtesy clerk spots - I have no problem with that work. I find retail hard to figure out. Many aspects appear counter-productive to me, but that's just the way they do them.  The work force is determined by the money made previously. So, if there is a period of slower sales, then fewer people are scheduled, but if there are not enough people scheduled, things go a bit chaotic and we can potentially lose customers.

An example would be the milk. A dairy clerk is scheduled, but he is constantly called up front, away from the milk, because there are more than 2 people in a line and the people up front start bugging out. When the milk clerk is gone, people continue to pull dairy goods off the shelf, which means the shelves empty. Where is all the yogurt?  I can't find my favorite creamer! Ack!!  Let the dairy clerk do their thing. Have an extra clerk up front - maybe they could be a combo courtesy clerk/checker - I've done that before and it worked well. I was available to get people out for their breaks, etc.

Okay, enough retail talk. I've been thinking a lot about sewing. I've got a machine. Just wish I could remember how to thread the bobbin.... more on this later.  I spent last night looking at places like this. If you know of a good sewing blog, please recommend it in the comments.

Hey, do you know anyone who could use a puppy?  Not this one, because we are keeping her, but one equally as cute...

Father & Mother

Yesterday was Bay's birthday. She is now 19. It is the first time we have not spent her birthday together. I guess that's how it goes when your kids grow up and become mommies and you move away and get married to your best pal.

Bay wrote something on her Facebook wall about her stepdad remembering her birthday and her father forgetting. That man continues to be a disappointment to our children. I usually say he has good intentions and poor follow-through, but to be honest, as time goes by even I realize that may no longer be the case. What is wrong with him? Does he forget? How do you forget something like that?

I remember growing up with a single mom. My dad didn't forget my birthday, but I didn't get to spend very many of them with him. Mom used to say things like, "I try to be both a mother and a father to you." We all laughed when we heard George Carlin use the same line in his act, but a single parent really does have to play both roles. I'm not sure I was ever good at the dad-part, but once I got a Father's Day card from Sarah that said, "You are the top pop," and I'm saving that thing forever.

It's Better When I Play Yahtzee

Hello. It's late - Friday is almost over.  Last week at this time I was busy packing and getting things ready for my trip. That's so much more exciting than sitting here thinking about how I can rest and clean my house this weekend. That doesn't involve either cute dogs, a charming man, or hot air ballons.  :/  I need to turn this around....I can also sleep in........ and get my camera out....... and cook, because I haven't been cooking much since I'm too darned tired. I will look on the bright side, because it's a weekend and I'm going to be free(ish) for two days. Very nice.

I spoke/imed with my cousin tonight. Prior to tonight, I think it's been about.........30 years since I spoke with her. No wait, more like 29. Still a lot. She has a daughter close to my age - both are my FB friends, but we don't interact a whole lot. She posts anti-tea party comments on FB which I enjoy a bit, since I'm assuming this means she is a fellow Liberal. I think that they are maybe 3 of us on Facebook.......okay, just kidding - I heard once that there are 12......... Anyway, she said that she likes my outlook and while I liked hearing/reading that, I couldn't help but feel guilty, as I always do when getting a compliment on an area of my life/self/whatever that I feel is a front.

I appear positive, because I want to be that way, so I fake it till I make it and sometimes, I guess, I fake it pretty well. My new-old boyfriend, he is a positive person - smiley and laughing and happy. He's facing something big, but he faces it with a good outlook. I really, really like that about him. (It's on the list, right below freckles).

I keep thinking things that have no place in my new life. Like this one, "I want my old life back."  It's not coming back. I can find a new version of a life that is sort of like that one, or a completely new one, but that one, it's over. It's taking me so long to stop thinking that. It annoys me that I hold onto that, but at the same time I think, well it hasn't even been 2 months yet, so maybe I'm doing better than I think.

And I have some new exciting things going on that I am happy about. They are a part of NOW. NOW is pretty good, although Bay isn't so crazy about it. She told me today that I am not the same person any more. I don't want to let her down, but I am so tired when I get home from work. I'm not as much fun as I used to be and I think she misses having me here during the day. I'll get used to the job and I'll be fun again. In fact, I'll be fun this weekend. I wonder if she'd like to play some games tomorrow night.......... I feel a string of Yahtzees coming on. :)

I'm wondering if I should avoid writing these when I'm tired. I have no idea if this made any sense..........

Facing My Fear

I realized something interesting tonight. I found it in a roundabout way, the way I usually discover something important - insight has to sneak up on me, I guess.


I spent years living with this fear that my son would die. I worried about it every day. I worried about how it would feel, how it would change my family's life. I worried about how we'd get along without him, because he was such a calm, loving person, and he really held us together with no effort whatsoever. He loved us. We loved him.

In the last year or two, he got sick a lot. He had pneumonia twice in the span of about 6 months, so it wasn't a way-off fear. It was real and way too close.

Then, it happened. He was gone. It's an odd feeling when your worst fear comes to pass. I faced it and it broke me, but I'm still here. I get up and face each day without my boy. The girls and I, we haven't given up.

Does this mean that I have nothing left to fear?

I'm not wasting any more time on fears. I'll still get scared, sure, but I'm not letting that stuff hold me back. I want to live bigger than I have in a long time. I took a huge step tonight and poured my heart out a bit. It could go one of two ways and either one is better than just staying stagnant, afraid to take a leap.

Godspeed Little Man

In my 44 years I've lost a few people whom meant a lot to me, but this time around the grieving process feels very different. Every day I wake up and I think, "Max is gone." My mind immediately tries to reject the idea. "No, he's still here."


For the past week and a half, I've been going about the business of life, trying to find a job, trying to show my friends and family that they don't have to worry about me, that I'm okay. Today, I had a job assessment which is leading to a second interview, so that is encouraging. Plus, we found out an hour ago that my grandbaby-to be is a little boy. That was thrilling news. People have been reaching out to my family sending us cards and flowers and meals and it feels so good to know that Max touched so many lives.

I'm trying really hard to be normal, to find joy in the every day, because I want to be strong for my girls, but this grief thing, it can sneak up on me and sometimes, I have to admit, it kicks my ass. It's like a wave that crashes over my head and steals my breath away.

I can be calm and smiling even. Minutes later, there's that grief again. While driving to get milk at Raleys, a Dixie Chicks song came on and I heard;

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

It's a song that a mom sings to her sleeping boy, but I connected with it and next thing I know I'm a mess again - driving down the road, crying in my minivan. I miss my "little man" so much. He was a wonderful son and I loved taking care of him. Every single day was a gift. People would say things to me about raising him, comment about how it must be hard to take care of a boy with special needs, but he wasn't hard. He was sometimes heavy, but never difficult. Everything about him was positive, everything was good.

Grief might kick my ass, but I think I'm just going to ride these waves as they hit me. I'm not going to push any of it away, I'm going to find a way to keep my head above water, and I'm definitely going to listen to that song again, even if it makes me cry.

8/10/2010

School starts for Sarah tomorrow. She will be in the 7th grade. Bay starts at her new job. I really hope the day goes well for both girls. They deserve a good day.

I keep thinking about Max's class and how I'm sure it will be tough for all the ladies who work in there. He went to the same school for 17 years. His teacher, Jill, brought us dinner last night and the school psychiatrist brought dinner tonight. I keep looking at the place where he naps and he's not there. I hear a noise that sounds like a Max-noise and I look up, but it's not him. I miss my son so much. I keep holding on to that feeling and I don't want to let go. There's some crazy part of my brain that still hopes I'll wake up and the whole thing will have just been a nightmare.

Happy Birthday Bay!

Happy 18th birthday to my beautiful daughter, Bailey!!!

It was a busy day for Bay; driver's test (passed with perfect score), a job interview, visits from her friends, and a dinner date with her handsome beau.  Get used to it, baby. Busy is what being an adult is all about. :)

It's Easier When the Kids Sleep In

I'm so drowsy today. I think I'm on a happiness hangover from all that Up, Up, Up, I was experiencing yesterday. I'm not complaining, I love a Good Day.

I've been working on getting photos up at my photography website and the Facebook page for the business. It takes awhile, because I have to go between two computers. If I bump my old computer, it goes all wonky, because a driver is broken. I sure wish I could get that system fixed at some point. I love that machine. My old computer holds almost 4 years of photos and there are a TON of them. I'd like to find some unedited versions of some of my favorites so that when I get my photoshop, I can edit them properly. For example, I always kind of liked this one.

And this one.  Neither look anything like the jpg that I started with.

Oh! Sounds like my kids are finally waking up. They've slept until after 11am, so I've got all my work done for the day. Max is home from Summer school today with the barfs. Poor kid.

I wish you a wonderful day!! 

Happy National Running Day!

Happy National Running Day to you!! 

I just finished my second run after a forced two week break. I could not run until I could breathe without wheezing. I think I'm just about completely back. Yay!  It feels very good to be getting back on track.

Also, I want to mention that I am going to be a Grandma. My daughter, Bailey, is pregnant - due at the end of the year. I'll write more about this when I know more. She has her first Dr's appointment tomorrow.

And lastly........I have a date tonight. :)

Sarah Graduated!!!

Sarah graduated from the 6th grade today. WooHoo!!

She also won a special academic award. It came with a little pin. She has worn the pin all day. :)

Okay, going to cut this short. I just had a breathing treatment and I think I'm going to lay down. Have a great day/evening.

She's Focused On the Boy

I had to pick Sarah up early from camp this week. She had a fever - at one time it was almost 103 - and they have a policy, plus that's pretty darn high. She's feeling a little better, but still popping up with a low-grade fever off and on. She is usually asleep.

Even sick, she had a wonderful time at camp. She has already told me about a few of subjects they covered at Environmental School including Salmon spawning and mining for gold. She went down into a mine (with a guide) and  the kids panned for gold. She loved the experience.

It was a beautiful drive up there and back. Whiskeytown Lake is jsut minutes from the town of Redding. I took my camera up there with me. I started thinking, hhmm if I moved to this end of Redding, I could be at the lake all the time.......  I'm a dreamer and I think about moving all the time.

I have had a challenging week in terms of running. Wednesday I had horrible heartburn and after a practically sleepless nigh,t I skipped running today. I seriously doubt that I will get my entire 20 miles in this week. I have 14.1 so far. I'm thinking about walking the last 6 instead of running it. Or maybe running only a couple and walking the rest. I feel exhausted and stressed out. (I hope this makes sense. Like I said, operating on very little sleep here).

Raising a teenager is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I spend a good deal of time feeling heart-sick. Did my mom feel this way? Did my grandma feel this way?  I don't see any sort of success or parenting awards in my future. I'd really just like to survive this time, I'd like us both to survive it. I think a lot of what I see comes from my daughter being fearful about the future. She said today that she did not want to grow up anymore.

I try to remember what I was like at her age. I didn't fight as much with my mom, (Mom agrees with this), but I'm not sure I had any sort of plan other than to marry my boyfriend in a year or so and then move to the Bay Area. It was all very vague - I was focused on the boy only.

I was talking to Bay today about not focusing totally on your relationship. I said it's a lesson that you learn with age, that I didn't get it when I was first married. She agreed, but knowing something and changing a pattern of behavior are two completely different things.

The future, it's all very vague to her right now. She's focused on the boy only.  She will figure it out.

Day 2 of the Tourney

This is the last weekend for Sarah's basketball season. They are on day 2 of their end of the season tournament - so far undefeated this season. Basketball has been a bit different this year. I've noticed that Sarah is really changing with adolescence. Sometimes her mind is just someplace else. I forgot how hard that is, the trying to keep your mind on one thing when it really wants to wander out the door, into the sunshine to daydream about boys......or puppies, at this age it could be either.

When she's done, I think we are going to find something else to do on weekends. We haven't hiked in so long. Maybe she and I can hike or go on a bike ride. She might enjoy taking the cameras out together, like Bay and I love to do. I will follow her lead. I don't want to push sports on her, because they are what I enjoy, if she'd rather do something else (something that does not involve just sitting on the computer watching Mr. Saftety videos for hours on end).

I lost one of my jobs this weeks. I knew it was coming - they let everyone go, but it's still been hard to wrap my mind around it. The loss of income sucks. I'm working on a couple of other projects, plus still writing Beauty & Fashion at Gadabout Media.com, but the structure, the daily deadline is gone and I didn't realize how much I depended on it. I have to "boss" myself now. I hope I do a good job, I need to do a good job, but I won't get fired this time.

I've learned that writing is like this - the jobs come and the jobs go. I have a problem with change and the lack of permanence. I like to know what is coming, I like structure and being able to budget my money accurately. I like the stability of working for someone else. I have to let go of that. I have to learn the business of blogging for real now. I have to learn how to write a marketing plan and to hustle sponsors and ads. I can do it, but right now, sitting here thinking about the end of the basketball season, I want to put it all away, up on the shelf, for one more day.

Photos Won't Load

For some reason I can't load my photos. I give up.

Around midday today started to suck. I got into another fight with my oldest daughter and I'm worn out. Raising kids on my own all these years, it's been challenging. I don't have any real memories of co-parenting. I have always done it all, even when I was married for those first 2 years. I'm not sure that's been good. I don't always make the right decision the first time. I don't always say the right thing or do the right thing. Sometimes I am not a good mom. I want to be, it's always my intention, but I feel like I'm figuring it out as I go.

I really hope that my children do a better job than I did choosing a partner. I'd like the single parent trend in my family to stop with me. I want the girls to have a full life with a partner. I would really like for them both to be happy.

The End of A Long Day 365:8

Long, long day. I'm exhausted and my stomach is upset. I can't wait to get into bed with my book.

Bailey and I spent about 3 hours at the Dr. She has bronchitis. Poor kid. Her temperature was 104 and it hurt when she breathed, so she was given a pain shot. When a kid will voluntarily accept a shot, you know they feel horrible.

Basketball officially starts tomorrow. I sure hope I'm better in the morning.

365:7 Sarah's Light

These beads hang from Sarah's bedroom light. They are a sort of chandelier thing that say, "Bratz" on them - well on some of them. I picked them for my 365 Project because.....

*I forgot to shot something else and it was dark outside and......
*I spent a part of my day clearing crap out of her room.
*They were a part of her room that is clean.

Sarah is a packrat. She wants to keep everything. Everything. I'm talking about little ripped pieces of paper and broken toys. This morning I had one of my your-room-makes-me-crazy freak outs and by mid-afternoon I carted two huge bags of stuff out of her room. Unfortunately one of the things that I threw away - a ripped and broken backpack - also held her iPod. (Where else would you keep it, right??)

I made her climb into the dumpster to get it. Yuck. I'm horrible. The dumpster was actually empty except for our things. Lucky. But yucky anyway. I will never forget how it smelled so strongly of parmesan cheese. I made her take her shoes off before going in the house, then she had to strip at the washer. Straight to the shower with you, kid!!

I thought she'd get it and actually get to work on her room, but instead she is listening to her (rescued) iPod and reading. I would close the door on it and be done, but Max lives in there, too, and I worry that she's got mold growing in there or maybe huge spiders.

I Am A Mom First

I had a great evening with my kids last night. We watched movies and laughed. At bed time it occurred to me that I've been wrong-headed about my life lately. I've been focusing on things that don't matter. Somehow I got off-track.


On New Years eve, I was having so much fun with Mom and Sarah. We were laughing and drinking a couple of champagne cocktails (Sarah skipped those, of course) when a friend called and said something about the time and I was way off. I hadn't paid attention to the clock - I was in the minute, not watching the passage of it. He called me a dumb ass and I was both embarrassed and confused by this, although at the time I laughed. What else could I do? Was he joking? I'm not good with that sort of thing any more. I have trouble making the distinction between harmless and mean.


This is the sort of thing that I don't want to focus on anymore. And if you are reading this and you are thinking, well she's written this very poorly or she's got some detail wrong, then you are probably right, so you can hold on to that. I know it's important to some people to be right no matter what. I'm going to be wrong or mistaken and not worry about winning arguments. I don't enjoy arguing anyway.


I want to live my life with the people that I can trust and count on. If you don't like me, move on. I am not everybody's cup of tea.

From here on, it's back to being Mom-first. I believe that a man sees himself in relation to his job and a woman sees herself in relation to her home. I want to make my home and my family's home life rich with love and joy.


I believe that by living a life that I can be proud of, by doing my jobs and respecting myself and those that I care about, the rest will fall into place. I will walk the talk, I will do my best to be a good person, someone that my children look up to.

I Want To Give Basketball A Hug

Today was the first day of the Winter basketball season for CARD. The kids got to watch the CSUC Men's and Women's team practice and do a dunking contest. Later, the kid's teams met and each played 2 practice games.

Sarah is my youngest and the smallest person in our family. When she's on the basketball court, she looks huge to me. She blocks and runs and waves her arms around. Her little face gets so red and if I were her, I'd probably barf from all the exercise. I am so proud of her and the effort she puts into her game.

The kids have a break until the second weekend in January. They practice but no official games until that weekend.

I'm really going to try to perfect my sports photography. I want to try to convey how exciting the girls are when they play. They put their whole heart into it, they don't care how they look, they don't worry about boys, or mean girls.

A girl's life goes like this - first they feel no limitations, they feel like they are beautiful, smart, strong, capable, then life starts to chip away at their confidence. Someone calls them ugly or fat or in some way makes them feel less or diminished. They deflate a bit. When girls play sports or sing or play an instrument, when they find something that they feel good about, it helps to inflate them again. They grow bigger, stronger, they work harder, they enjoy some success. It's a wonderful thing.

I love what basketball does for Sarah. I wish I could give basketball a big hug of gratitude.

Being Bay's Mom

I just dropped my newly blonde daughter off downtown. She and her friend are going to a concert at the Senator theater. Very exciting. I gave her a 1:30 curfew, which I thought was generous. She did not. She's only 17.

This is her first day off after almost a week of grounding. Prior to that she was at Robin's place. Prior to the Rob visit, she was grounded.

I am really hoping that she will follow the rules I've given her, because I'm tired of grounding that kid. In 7 and a half months, she's going to be 18. It's time for her to start figuring things out on her own. I can't make the rules for her forever- she needs to learn to rule herself. Not an easy lesson to learn, as I remember.

It's Time To Be SuperMom

I don't claim to be good at many things. There is, however, one area in which I am very skilled. When something - a way of life, a job, an event, a relationship, whatever - is not working, I stop and re-evaluate the situation. I look at other possible options, some of these options are not options that most people would consider, but I gave up on having a "normal life" long ago. I chose a new direction and I get going again. The one aspect of my personality that I am proud of - I'm creative.


I don't like to think of anything as a failure and if you find a way to do something that is different or better, then there is no failure. Doing it better is success.


I don't get to that point easily, the re-assess point. I'm what my good friend, Jackie, calls a fence sitter in many ways. I hang on and hang on and try to fit the square peg into the round hole until that moment arrives when I realize that it will never fit, because it's not supposed to fit. When I decide it's time to move on, when I get to that a-ha! moment, I feel so at peace. Everything leading up to that moment might be full of freak-outs and stress, but once I recognize that there can be another way, I'm good.


I hit that realization, that moment when I threw up my hands and said, nope, not going to work, with one of my kids today. No, I'm not saying she doesn't fit me, that she doesn't work. I'm saying that I've been pushing her to finish something in a way that has not worked for years. Duh, mom. Time to re-evaluate and move in a different direction.


This morning I'm going to look at some options, I'm going to find a way to get it all back on track. I'm feeling a little like SuperMom ...........