A Year To Get It Right

I have spent the past year trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. I know it sounds melodramatic (whooo am I???), but my life is very definitely divided into three parts - Before Max, During Max, and After Max. He needed me and that made me feel like there was a reason that I existed. I was here for Max. Not that the girls haven't needed me, but they have always had a certain amount of do-it-herself-ness. Max needed me to do for him, because he couldn't do for himself.


I love being home, living in Northern CA again,  I love being married to John, I enjoy certain aspects of my work life (love working outside, found that I enjoy and have a little talent *my boss's words* when it comes to merchandising), but I'm broke all the time. I haven't seen my brother or my sister and their families in over a year. My grandson doesn't know me, Bay is lost and I can't help her. I never see my two best friends or my mom. I feel cut off. (There goes the melodrama again).

I need to figure out a way to work ONE job and make ends meet. Making ends meet with just a little extra would be a dream come true. (Actually that is most likely the American Dream these days...) I need to get organized (my husband's biggest complaint, hey, organize yourself, kid!) and I need to reconnect with my family and friends. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and figure out what I'm going to be. I need to make a list of my strengths and weaknesses, do some research about who actually makes money in my area, and get this thing done.

I give myself a year to get it right.

Thrills and Chills

I was talking to a friend tonight about life and how you think you are in charge, you think you are the one with the wheel in your hand, but it sort of goes it's own way. Really the only thing you can do is to wear a helmet, buckle up tight, and enjoy the ride. It's both thrilling and terrifying.


I've got another adventure planned this weekend. I'm going camping. WooHoo!

My Grandbaby. :) Part of the thrill, for sure.

Facing My Fear

I realized something interesting tonight. I found it in a roundabout way, the way I usually discover something important - insight has to sneak up on me, I guess.


I spent years living with this fear that my son would die. I worried about it every day. I worried about how it would feel, how it would change my family's life. I worried about how we'd get along without him, because he was such a calm, loving person, and he really held us together with no effort whatsoever. He loved us. We loved him.

In the last year or two, he got sick a lot. He had pneumonia twice in the span of about 6 months, so it wasn't a way-off fear. It was real and way too close.

Then, it happened. He was gone. It's an odd feeling when your worst fear comes to pass. I faced it and it broke me, but I'm still here. I get up and face each day without my boy. The girls and I, we haven't given up.

Does this mean that I have nothing left to fear?

I'm not wasting any more time on fears. I'll still get scared, sure, but I'm not letting that stuff hold me back. I want to live bigger than I have in a long time. I took a huge step tonight and poured my heart out a bit. It could go one of two ways and either one is better than just staying stagnant, afraid to take a leap.

I Am A Mom First

I had a great evening with my kids last night. We watched movies and laughed. At bed time it occurred to me that I've been wrong-headed about my life lately. I've been focusing on things that don't matter. Somehow I got off-track.


On New Years eve, I was having so much fun with Mom and Sarah. We were laughing and drinking a couple of champagne cocktails (Sarah skipped those, of course) when a friend called and said something about the time and I was way off. I hadn't paid attention to the clock - I was in the minute, not watching the passage of it. He called me a dumb ass and I was both embarrassed and confused by this, although at the time I laughed. What else could I do? Was he joking? I'm not good with that sort of thing any more. I have trouble making the distinction between harmless and mean.


This is the sort of thing that I don't want to focus on anymore. And if you are reading this and you are thinking, well she's written this very poorly or she's got some detail wrong, then you are probably right, so you can hold on to that. I know it's important to some people to be right no matter what. I'm going to be wrong or mistaken and not worry about winning arguments. I don't enjoy arguing anyway.


I want to live my life with the people that I can trust and count on. If you don't like me, move on. I am not everybody's cup of tea.

From here on, it's back to being Mom-first. I believe that a man sees himself in relation to his job and a woman sees herself in relation to her home. I want to make my home and my family's home life rich with love and joy.


I believe that by living a life that I can be proud of, by doing my jobs and respecting myself and those that I care about, the rest will fall into place. I will walk the talk, I will do my best to be a good person, someone that my children look up to.