Facing My Fear

I realized something interesting tonight. I found it in a roundabout way, the way I usually discover something important - insight has to sneak up on me, I guess.


I spent years living with this fear that my son would die. I worried about it every day. I worried about how it would feel, how it would change my family's life. I worried about how we'd get along without him, because he was such a calm, loving person, and he really held us together with no effort whatsoever. He loved us. We loved him.

In the last year or two, he got sick a lot. He had pneumonia twice in the span of about 6 months, so it wasn't a way-off fear. It was real and way too close.

Then, it happened. He was gone. It's an odd feeling when your worst fear comes to pass. I faced it and it broke me, but I'm still here. I get up and face each day without my boy. The girls and I, we haven't given up.

Does this mean that I have nothing left to fear?

I'm not wasting any more time on fears. I'll still get scared, sure, but I'm not letting that stuff hold me back. I want to live bigger than I have in a long time. I took a huge step tonight and poured my heart out a bit. It could go one of two ways and either one is better than just staying stagnant, afraid to take a leap.

Head and Heart

Today I was driving along, mid-errand, when one of John Mayer's new songs, called The Edge of Desire came on. I am a big John Mayer fan. I even have him as one of my Twitter contacts. (Is that weird?) Sometimes he will Tweet the dorkiest things and I end up shaking my head, because he sounds like such a douche. Still, I am a fan. I'm not perfect, so I do not expect perfection from the people whose work I admire either. I can be a douche myself and my jokes are frequently inappropriate. (Ask Bay, she'll back me up there).

Anyway....I'm driving along and I hear the words, "I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believe..." Yeah. I've been feeling that way lately. That darn John, the non-douche-y one, he really speaks my mind much better than I can at times. Another one..."When you're dreaming with a broken heart, then waking up is the hardest part, You roll outta bed and down on your knees, And for a moment you can hardly believe..." (John and I, a bit on the drama queen side. Could you tell?)

Sometimes I think with my head and sometimes I think with my heart. Head is smarter, but Heart finds it impossible to let go and damn, that Heart has a grip you would not believe. It's an epic struggle. Heart keeps saying, wait a minute, this is what I need. Head tries to explain, honey, don't you remember how much that hurt before? (That Head, always tries to be gentle with Heart, even when Heart's behavior is frustrating).

Head is leading right now, in charge temporarily, but Heart isn't worried. Heart is waiting quietly, because as I explained before, that grip is strong and not going to loosen any time soon (or ever). Even Head knows we'll get it right one day. Head is no idiot. Heart is wise in her own way. Just wait it out.<.p>

Yep, I agree with you, Reader. It's possible that I've lost my mind. I think I need chocolate.