Please Stop Fighting

I keep working to try to bring my home around to some sort of "normal." It's never been an overly calm place - with three women in the house there's a fair amount of raised voices - but I feel very strongly that I don't want any negativity here.

I'm guilty of negativity myself - Sarah's room is driving me crazy. It borders on someting you'd see on Hoarders and that scares the stuffing out of me. I will say, "get that garbage off the floor" and then I will leave the room. The garbage consists of random playing cards, lost earrings, wrappers, wrappers, wrappers, old cotton from doing her nails, little toys she hasn't played with in 6 years, and more wrappers. It takes me only a few moments to clear it away - it all goes into a bag and out to the dumpster - but she will be in there for hours and never get it done. I lose my patience and I blow.

One of the things that makes me blow harder and faster is when my older daughter is fighting with her boyfriend. Sometimes it's here in the house an sometimes it's over the phone. It goes on every single day. Sometimes they will spend a portion of the day getting along, but there is some sort of relationship stress shared with the entire family every day.

Today her boyfriend came over for the first time in 9 days. The last day he was here, he got upset with her and stayed on the patio for hours, until I finally said, just drive him home. He texted me and she talked to me and I could not seem to make these kids understand that our family had been through a trauma and we didn't need the fighting. The week that followed consisted of Bailey being ignored by him. She would text or call him and he wouldn't respond. I know how that feels - I had a boyfriend who lived in another state and he would ignore me for weeks at a time (why did I put up with that?). I tell her stop texting him, stop calling him. You can't make a person change their behavior - they have to come up with that on their own. They have to make that connection and say, hey, I better stop being so selfish.

I need to relax about Sarah's room. Sarah needs me to relax about her room. And I need those kids to stop wasting precious time fighting. Everything can fall apart and you can lose someone you love in an instant. Stop wasting time on ugly things. Be good to each other.

They won't listen. Even with Max dying, I feel like the kids just don't get it. You can't get that time back.

I feel so guilty about wasting time on a man at the beginning of the Summer. I had this big crush and I knew it was a bad idea, but I went for it anyway. And that guy doesn't want to be happy. He called me drunk in the middle of the night last night, sad and rambling. He can't let go of something hurtful. He's wasting every day on this hurtful thing. Why?

I wish I could go back to the beginning of this Summer and start all over, do the whole thing differently, but I can't. I wish I could relive every single moment with my boy, Max, but I can't.

This fighting stuff, it hurts so much. In my head I keep thinking, "I don't want this, I don't want this," but "this" is life and I don't want to wish any time with the girls away. "This" is my grief, as well, and there's no letting go of that. If I do, then it's like I've accepted that he's gone. Even though it's been weeks and he's sitting in a little box on my dresser, there's still a part of me that thinks I can somehow get him back, that a boy that wonderful, that sweet and beautiful can't be gone. The world can't keep revolving without him here. It's wrong.

I'm sorry. I probably should keep these thoughts in my head, but sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. It hurts so much.

I Love Good Huggers

It's a been a long week. Max is finally feeling better, I'd say he's kicked the pneumonia, but he had hard to work pretty hard at it. It concerns me that he got that sick so soon after the last time. (Last Winter).  I think a lot about pulling him from school, but they have so much more in terms of position equipment there. And his teacher is truly wonderful. Plus I met a couple of her friends who have "adopted" the class and one of them says that Max is her favorite. She was talking to me about working with him at the tea party, not sure if I mentioned this before, and her eyes teared up. She seemed embarrassed, but I appreciated her affection and caring for my boy. I'm the kind of person who tears up easily, as well. There's nothing wrong with strong emotion. And my son is a special kid. I want him to be spend his life with people who love him.

I ended up sick, too. On Sunday night, I felt like I could not get a good breath and it scared me. I wasn't getting any work done, because I felt so unfocused - lack of oxygen will do that I guess. I decided to go to the Dr in the morning and he said I had sinusitis that turned into Bronchitis. He gave me a shot in the hip, a breathing treatment, antibiotics, and prednisone. He wanted me to take something for the cough and a pain pill, but I don't like to load up too much on that stuff. By the afternoon, I felt so much better, I could breathe a bit and I could think. I was able to drive for the first time in a week. Thank goodness.

This week I've been talking to a couple of men. Well, a few men, actually. Feast or famine, that's how it goes with me. I decided to switch my photo at one of the online dating sites and all of a sudden things got active. One man sounds almost too perfect, which scares me a little. We have a lot in common and for the past few years, the men that I've dated have been good guys, but not men that I had that much in common with. I suspect they found my way of looking at things frustrating. Too positive, rainbows coming out my butt, crazy California-dreaming.........okay, these are my words, not theirs.

One called me "quirky." One of my quirks - good dental hygiene. What the........?? It's now considered quirky if you brush regularly and actually use floss?  Hey, I  can't afford the dentist. I want to keep these teeth. No quirks involved.

I've also been talking to an old friend who is going through a rough time. He thought he was on his way to marriage, a growing family, but suddenly it's all gone. It's hard to watch/listen to a friend in pain, but to be a good friend, I've got to give it a try.  I keep trying to remember how I felt lately, out of sorts, lonely, sad. What helped me? What made things worse?  I don't want him to feel that he has to be up for me, because I'm trying to cheer him, so I'm trying to avoid putting pressure on him to "have a great day," although I'm sure I've said that, it is on old stand by of mine.  I'm trying to follow his lead. He's a strong man, he's been through a lot, and he always makes it through.

Why do some people end up getting more than their share of the challenges life likes to hand out?

I'm looking forward to being able to give him a big hug soon. He's one of those great huggers. I've known him since he was about 10 years old - he was a classmate of my younger sister. I was older, an 8th grader and he was one of those jr flirts. Pretty funny. We were talking about that the other day. Funny kid.

Back to the hugging....... he has a lot of friends, one of those people whom every body loves. Some years back, I was out with a group of old girl friends from high school. I can't remember how I ended up with the group, I was a young mom and never went out....... Anyway, there were about 6 or 7 of us and as we ran into him on the street, he put out his arms and we each automatically went in for our hug, taking turns. We only talked to him for a few minutes in passing, but he had time to give each of a us a good, strong hug. He's a very sweet man.

I love hugs. Especially hugs from men. Getting hugs from the kids, they are wonderful, but there is something about getting a hug from someone who is bigger and stronger than me, it's so soothing and comforting, as if for just a few seconds I can hand over the reins of being The One Who Protects to someone else, just briefly.

I better bring this to an end. My kids want to eat......and hopefully give me a hug. Here's my latest 365 Project photo. I got so behind when I was ill.