Facing My Fear

I realized something interesting tonight. I found it in a roundabout way, the way I usually discover something important - insight has to sneak up on me, I guess.


I spent years living with this fear that my son would die. I worried about it every day. I worried about how it would feel, how it would change my family's life. I worried about how we'd get along without him, because he was such a calm, loving person, and he really held us together with no effort whatsoever. He loved us. We loved him.

In the last year or two, he got sick a lot. He had pneumonia twice in the span of about 6 months, so it wasn't a way-off fear. It was real and way too close.

Then, it happened. He was gone. It's an odd feeling when your worst fear comes to pass. I faced it and it broke me, but I'm still here. I get up and face each day without my boy. The girls and I, we haven't given up.

Does this mean that I have nothing left to fear?

I'm not wasting any more time on fears. I'll still get scared, sure, but I'm not letting that stuff hold me back. I want to live bigger than I have in a long time. I took a huge step tonight and poured my heart out a bit. It could go one of two ways and either one is better than just staying stagnant, afraid to take a leap.

Very Good Weekend.... Phew, Finally!

 I had a great weekend.  Sarah and I went up North to visit an old friend and have an adventure. Here are a few pictures. I'll add more later. We went to a hot air Balloon Fair....

Sarah loved it up there. She especially loved my friend's dogs. And my friend. And riding on his 4-wheeler.  She is pretty enthusiastic and open to new things. I love that about her.

I've never been to a balloon fair before. It was beautiful.

 And look what else I got.... a handsome man.  Like I said, it was a good weekend. I hope you had a good one, too!

Diving In & Mermaid Swimming

Today, I wrote out a blog post while in training. It was just after 3 pm, which I've found to be the hour of my saturation point. We take a break at 2:30, go back to class for 3 minutes and suddenly it's like Charlie Brown's teacher is talking at me, "Wannk, wannk, wannk..." I lose my ability to take on any new insurance information.

Anyway, I'd go get it, type it in here, but I'm too tired. Instead, I will share with you my horoscope and if horoscopes are your thing, I suggest you go read yours here.  Rob Brezsney of Free Will Astrology says...

Focus on what's small and slippery, Leo. Turn your gaze away from what's big and obvious. Exult in the salamander on the rock and a friend who has a new trick and the guilty pleasure you just discovered; excuse yourself from obsessing about the state of the economy, the meaning of life, and the clash between science and religion. Your pleasurable duty is to love what's in the midst of changing, and not fixate on trying to make arrangements that will supposedly last forever. Don't just grudgingly attend to the mercurial details; dive in as if playing with them were your central purpose.

Dive in?  Hhmm. I like it. When I was a little girl, my Grandpa Harold had to teach me how to dive every Summer. I'd master it fairly well over the course of the season. A little dive in, then swim like a mermaid to the other side of the pool.  I'd practice over and over - eventually holding my breath all the way across the pool, then I'd do a lap up and back. My dives were pretty good, my mermaid swim better, but I never could execute Grandpa's perfect jack knife.

Then, the weather would turn cold and I'd lose my nerve over the Winter. When the weather warmed back up, I had to re-learn the whole thing again. I think it was fear that kept me from diving. Fear of the belly flop.

Belly flops sting a bit, sure, but I've given birth 3 times and that puts pain into perspective for me. And I'm a really good diver now..........still can't get that jack knife, though.

Not A Red Frog

I haven't updated in a long time. First I was bored and boring and didn't feel like talking about being either one. Then, I started a new job on Monday and I'm exhausted. I will be working in transactions, fixing and paying health insurance claims. I seem to be the only one in the class who knows nothing about insurance. That's what happens when you go without health insurance and avoid doctors for 10+ years. I guess that in this case being healthy isn't a good thing.


I think the work is going to be challenging and I like learning new things, but I miss taking care of someone. I miss Max, because he was my son and I loved him, but also because I  felt like I was doing something important and worthwhile. Not that health insurance isn't important, but it's not the same. I wonder if I'm meant to be a nurse?  I wish I could go back to school. I'm going to think on this one for awhile and see what I come up with. In the meantime, I'll keep with the training, because I know there are lots of opportunities for growth in my company.

I'm taking Sarah on a road trip this weekend. We are going to visit a friend and he's got all kinds of interesting adventures planned for us. I don't know what we are doing for sure, but it all sounds good to me. I want to get outside..... and I'm looking forward to seeing my friend. :)

 No, my friend is not pictured above. He's much taller than the red frog and I'm pretty sure he can jump higher, too.

After the Rain

We lucked out with some cooler weather yesterday. It was wonderful. In the evening, it got even better - it rained. Yahoo! Bay and I got soaked running from the car. After a Summer in Chico, getting soaked in the rain is true bliss. 

This is what I found outside this morning........

I don't know how many times I've taken the same sort of water droplet photo, but I can never get exactly what I'm trying to capture. I probably need a different set up or possibly less shaky hands would help.  I still like how they turn out.

I wish you a happy Thursday.

Goofy Spider Lady

I was sitting on the patio, talking to my sister, because that's the only place we can get a good connection, when I noticed that I have a new neighbor.

That spider is huge. Huge! Very exciting, but then I am a goofy-spider-lady.

Tomorrow, I'm going to move it over to a tree, because I do not want it dropping on my head when I'm relaxing. Plus, I'm afraid my friend, Leah, might avoid my house if she has to walk by it next Tuesday, when we have Girl's Night. ;)

I am so relieved  that it's September and the worst August of my life is finally behind me. Tomorrow is the one month anniversary of Max's last day. I am so glad that it was a good day, that I took the time to give him lots of hugs and attention. I want to live every day feeling that way, that is was a good day, and that the people whom I love felt loved by me. 

Please Stop Fighting

I keep working to try to bring my home around to some sort of "normal." It's never been an overly calm place - with three women in the house there's a fair amount of raised voices - but I feel very strongly that I don't want any negativity here.

I'm guilty of negativity myself - Sarah's room is driving me crazy. It borders on someting you'd see on Hoarders and that scares the stuffing out of me. I will say, "get that garbage off the floor" and then I will leave the room. The garbage consists of random playing cards, lost earrings, wrappers, wrappers, wrappers, old cotton from doing her nails, little toys she hasn't played with in 6 years, and more wrappers. It takes me only a few moments to clear it away - it all goes into a bag and out to the dumpster - but she will be in there for hours and never get it done. I lose my patience and I blow.

One of the things that makes me blow harder and faster is when my older daughter is fighting with her boyfriend. Sometimes it's here in the house an sometimes it's over the phone. It goes on every single day. Sometimes they will spend a portion of the day getting along, but there is some sort of relationship stress shared with the entire family every day.

Today her boyfriend came over for the first time in 9 days. The last day he was here, he got upset with her and stayed on the patio for hours, until I finally said, just drive him home. He texted me and she talked to me and I could not seem to make these kids understand that our family had been through a trauma and we didn't need the fighting. The week that followed consisted of Bailey being ignored by him. She would text or call him and he wouldn't respond. I know how that feels - I had a boyfriend who lived in another state and he would ignore me for weeks at a time (why did I put up with that?). I tell her stop texting him, stop calling him. You can't make a person change their behavior - they have to come up with that on their own. They have to make that connection and say, hey, I better stop being so selfish.

I need to relax about Sarah's room. Sarah needs me to relax about her room. And I need those kids to stop wasting precious time fighting. Everything can fall apart and you can lose someone you love in an instant. Stop wasting time on ugly things. Be good to each other.

They won't listen. Even with Max dying, I feel like the kids just don't get it. You can't get that time back.

I feel so guilty about wasting time on a man at the beginning of the Summer. I had this big crush and I knew it was a bad idea, but I went for it anyway. And that guy doesn't want to be happy. He called me drunk in the middle of the night last night, sad and rambling. He can't let go of something hurtful. He's wasting every day on this hurtful thing. Why?

I wish I could go back to the beginning of this Summer and start all over, do the whole thing differently, but I can't. I wish I could relive every single moment with my boy, Max, but I can't.

This fighting stuff, it hurts so much. In my head I keep thinking, "I don't want this, I don't want this," but "this" is life and I don't want to wish any time with the girls away. "This" is my grief, as well, and there's no letting go of that. If I do, then it's like I've accepted that he's gone. Even though it's been weeks and he's sitting in a little box on my dresser, there's still a part of me that thinks I can somehow get him back, that a boy that wonderful, that sweet and beautiful can't be gone. The world can't keep revolving without him here. It's wrong.

I'm sorry. I probably should keep these thoughts in my head, but sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. It hurts so much.