Stress Breeds Stress

I have trouble writing when I'm stressed out. I do it, because it's my job, but when I go back to edit, I realize that I've used the wrong word in some places or the wrong version of a word. My brain short-circuits.


I feel like that right now. Sometimes I stress myself out on my stress. Stress breeds stress. For example, I get upset and I feel like my heart is racing. I think, oh yeah, that heart attack that I fear is right around the corner. Or I worry that the surges of hormones caused by adrenaline are powering little tumors in my body, making them powerful, mowing down healthy cells. My stress is killing me.

It's crazy, I know it is, and it's pointless. Worrying about stress only makes me more stressed out.

Sunday

I have so much on my mind today. My stimulus check should come some time in the next week or so. I've thought long and hard about what I want to spend it on. I worry that my biggest purchase - a good camera - is really not a wise use of my money. I want to be able to use the camera to make money, but now I'm worried that I'm fooling myself with that idea.

Is that an unrealistic dream? I don't need to make a lot of money, just some extra. I'd like to take pictures of kids and weddings and family and friends and nature. I'd like to capture something and give it to someone and have them say, wow, thanks, that's just what I've been wishing for.

I'm going to use some of the money on the girls, but there are so many things that they need. They need Summer clothes and in 2 and a half months, they are going to need school clothes. Sarah wants to go to day camp. I need to be able to drive them up and down the state for family visits and I want to get Bay something special for her 16th birthday, but honestly, there's only so much money that is going to be available.

I'm really stressing how I'm going to pay for everything that needs paying for. How am I going to be able to see Steve? He lives 6 hours away and neither one of us can afford the gas for that trip. I miss him and things have been so weird and wonky between us for the past couple of months. It would be good to be together and really see if those feelings are still there between us. I feel different, but I suspect that much of that is due to self-preservation.

Bay and I have been getting along a little better this weekend. It started with the game, she was so good-Bailey at the game. She is quite funny and charming when she wants to be. And beautiful. Look at her in this picture.

Sometimes I wonder how Todd and I made a girl so pretty. We are so average, which is fine, I have no problem with being average, but she's like a sum of all our a little above average parts. Luckily.

The weather this weekend is lovely - warm and breezy and comfortable. I've spent too much of it inside, on this couch, trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for everything. I wish I could go back to Friday nights ballgame and relive the whole thing over again, not wasting any time with worry. Worry never solved a thing.

Before the end of the day, Sarah and I are going to pack her bag for her Girl Scout camping trip - the June Jamboree. Tomorrow is her last official meeting and they are checking gear for the trip on the 6th. Camp. I wish I was going. I love to camp.

I wish I had time for a nap. Or maybe I should take a worry-break and read.......... before I know it, it's going to be bedtime and the weekend will be over.