"It was something about the way that we were together," she said. "He stood out to me as someone singular and rare and beautiful, and I liked the way he was in the world. I liked the way he was with people. I liked the way he was with my son and the way he made me feel."
My brother's dad died last weekend. He used to be my stepdad, but I haven't seen him since I was pregnant with Max, who is now 19. The last time that my brother spoke with him was 16 years ago. My brother is now left with all these regrets, even though the estrangement was neither his fault nor his idea.
This makes me a bit angry at my brother's dad, because Brad is a wonderful person - loyal, loving, generous with his time and his talents. I measure all other men against my brother and very few even come close. He is deserving of respect and consideration and in this situation, his relationship with his dad, he didn't receive either.
It's not a simple case of my brother's dad as Bad Guy either, because deep down I suspect that he thought that he was protecting Brad. He fought demons that I've never fully understood and how could I - I live a relatively peaceful life within my mind. He was fighting everything and everybody.
I'm trying to remember the good things about him like the time he brought me my brother's rocking chair, when I was still carrying Max. It was a very generous move on his part. And he used to help me with my Algebra every night. Every night. I'd cry and he'd explain it again and again. He took me on one driving lesson when I was 14. We drove along a narrow dirt road alongside the Klamath River and I did pretty good until I pulled back into our driveway and up onto a tree stump.
I don't want to live with regrets. I have tried to be open with my feelings and my intentions throughout my life, but that gets harder as I get older. I feel like I have to hold things back in order to protect myself. Being guarded, I guess that's one of those bad habits we pick up as we progress from child to adult, kind of like bad posture (babies have great posture - have you ever noticed that?).
Today I was driving along, mid-errand, when one of John Mayer's new songs, called The Edge of Desire came on. I am a big John Mayer fan. I even have him as one of my Twitter contacts. (Is that weird?) Sometimes he will Tweet the dorkiest things and I end up shaking my head, because he sounds like such a douche. Still, I am a fan. I'm not perfect, so I do not expect perfection from the people whose work I admire either. I can be a douche myself and my jokes are frequently inappropriate. (Ask Bay, she'll back me up there).
Anyway....I'm driving along and I hear the words, "I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believe..." Yeah. I've been feeling that way lately. That darn John, the non-douche-y one, he really speaks my mind much better than I can at times. Another one..."When you're dreaming with a broken heart, then waking up is the hardest part, You roll outta bed and down on your knees, And for a moment you can hardly believe..." (John and I, a bit on the drama queen side. Could you tell?)
Sometimes I think with my head and sometimes I think with my heart. Head is smarter, but Heart finds it impossible to let go and damn, that Heart has a grip you would not believe. It's an epic struggle. Heart keeps saying, wait a minute, this is what I need. Head tries to explain, honey, don't you remember how much that hurt before? (That Head, always tries to be gentle with Heart, even when Heart's behavior is frustrating).
Head is leading right now, in charge temporarily, but Heart isn't worried. Heart is waiting quietly, because as I explained before, that grip is strong and not going to loosen any time soon (or ever). Even Head knows we'll get it right one day. Head is no idiot. Heart is wise in her own way. Just wait it out.<.p>
Yep, I agree with you, Reader. It's possible that I've lost my mind. I think I need chocolate.
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